I used to always think to myself, "It can't be that bad." But in the end, it's always as bad as I thought it was.
I hate being right. I mean, I'm not even that smart but I still just happen to be right anyways. What the hell?
So the girl that I was talking about in the last post (who I like) has a boyfriend now. I know -shocking.
But it gets even better.
So, my friend, who I talked about in the last post, wanted to hook me up with his friend.
But here's the thing: she's currently dating someone right now.
I don't even know why he would mention it if that was the case. He said that she was going to break up with him soon but, that would just leave me as a rebound.
But, it gets even better!
So I realize that not only is she dating someone but she's also being setup with some other guy by my so-called friend. Why would he even mention setting me up with her if he was already in the process of setting her up with someone else?
And then, to top it all off, he invites me to a gathering that involves his girlfriend's coworkers and says, "You should come, her coworkers are cute and single." So I show up and realize bit by bit throughout the night that not one, not even one, of his girlfriend's coworkers are single. Literally every single one of them were taken, some of them even had children.
It's like he's trying to make me feel bad at this point. And my self-esteem has reached rock bottom. I've come to find myself doubting my reasons to live on a daily basis. I just don't know why I even try quite honestly. If I'm such a bad option as a boyfriend or anything else, why am I still here?
Anyways yeah, just figured I would get all of that off my chest since I had 10 minutes to do more stream of consciousness writing. So, see ya later.
Will I Ever Be Good Enough To Date?
"I tried my best."
It's something that losers say.
It's something I say all the time.
Am I a loser?
Well, it's kind of funny. If you were to ask my friends, they would probably say something like:
"Mason is so cool!"
"You should see him when he plays. It's like a different person!"
"He's really smart!"
"Wow, I can't believe he owns a house!"
"He's a a pretty good looking guy, even."
"How does he not have a girlfriend?"
The truth is, the so-called "things" that I have going for me don't seem to matter. It's like one of those things that seem like a great idea in theory but in reality couldn't be any worse.
No one really wants to date me. Well, I guess that's not 100% true. Only Siths speak in absolutes. But really hardly anyone does. And I found a couple of those people but I just couldn't be physically attracted to those people. And the thing is is that I really wanted to make it work. But when push came to shove, I just couldn't get myself to like them romantically.
It sucks.
It sucks because I know exactly how it feels. Just about every woman I ever liked in my life never reciprocated those feelings. And maybe to them I could have even been someone that they wanted to like but couldn't. It really sucks. I hate myself because I couldn't like those two girls physically. I just couldn't.
And if you're wondering, no I'm not gay. Though, I kinda wish I was. Gay guys seem to love me for some reason.
But straight women, not so much. Only ones that I wasn't physically attracted to.
I did have one girlfriend that I was very physically attracted to though. But at the core, she hated me even if she didn't realize yet. She was very mad at me like all the time and eventually I broke it off with her. I hope she's happier with someone else one day.
Ugh, anyways, if this seems very stream of consciousness, it's because it is. I'm just doing this in one shot. So please bear with all of the jumping around.
So yeah, back to the original topic, no one actually wants to date me. It's weird because there are women who think I'm cool, think I have attributes that would be desirable in a boyfriend. But, it seems that none of them would ever be interested in dating me.
Am I just not interesting enough?
Am I not cool enough?
Am I not special enough?
Am I not tall enough?
I just don't get it. I feel I've done everything I possibly could have done to improve myself. I even lost 25 lbs since last year. That may not sound like a lot but keep in mind that I was already a small guy to begin with. I was pretty much starving myself everyday and working out my body into oblivion. I would say my caloric intake during a 6 month span last year was averaging 800 calories a day along with a workout routine that involved doing, on average, 450 push-ups, 450 sit-ups, and 250 lunges a day. Eventually I had to stop doing lunges though because it was destroying my knees. It got to the point where I couldn't do even one lunge because it hurt my knees too much.
^^If that doesn't sound healthy, it's because it wasn't. I felt light headed just about everyday. I would experience dizzy spells regularly, especially if I stood up quickly. I wouldn't recommend doing this. I still do the push-ups and sit-ups but only every other day so that my muscles can heal.
I guess the point of all that is that I was trying to do anything to make myself even the slightest bit more attractive. Especially at 5' 5", I know I'm already working shorthanded since I know that women don't typically like short guys but also that every bit of fat that I have is more noticeable so I knew I would have to work and suffer that much more to get my body to a shape that was more desirable. There's still some days when I look in the mirror and think that I'm still too fat so perhaps I have an eating disorder? I don't think so though. I don't do the dizzy thing anymore. lol
If you're reading this and you think I'm being particularly hard on myself, there's a good reason for that. I just don't seem good enough for anyone. My friends list these pros about me all the time but, when it comes down to it, it's not enough for someone to actually reciprocate feelings I have for them.
Most recently, I revealed to my long time friend that I've liked his girlfriend's sister for a long time. We're talking years. No one really had any idea and I've just masked it this whole time because she's always had a boyfriend the whole time that I've know her, until somewhat recently.
My friend is a bit of a blabber mouth and, long story short, the whole family knows that I like this girl. Just about everyone is a fan of the idea of the two of us dating. On paper, I appear to be good for her and everything. Right?
But, my friend just today, straight up asks her if she likes me which she could only respond, "I'm not looking for a relationship right now." Which, I'm not dumb, this means that she is definitely, not even remotely, not ever ever ever, going to be interested in me romantically.
Which, with this, all I can do is put my head in my hands and wonder if all my worst fears really are true. I'm not good enough to date.
Ever.
Which this kind of brings on a bit of a existential crisis in me because I don't even really know why I exist at this point. I go to a job and pay bills and stuff. But, I'm not really sure if I'm making a difference in anyone's life at all.
Or, even worse, if anyone even wants me to.
It really make me value myself as a person. And when I have to value myself, it usually ends up being pretty low value considering that the question even came up in my head.
And, like I've said before, I've given it my all pretty much to improve myself. Quite frankly, I'm really tired. Like, physically and emotionally. And I'm lost because I don't know what more I can do.
If you go on dating sites as a male who is 5' 5", you will find so many profiles that say something like "If you're not even 5' 9", don't bother."
The height changes and the end phrase changes but to me it's all the same because the girls like that never want someone 5' 5" and taller. And you might be thinking that those are girls not worth dating anyways, but, the sentiment seems like a pretty common story. I get weeded out frequently on an attribute I can't even control.
It fucking sucks.
I suck.
And maybe it's Darwinism at work, and I will always be the loser, as I had always feared.
My friends have always tried to convince me it would be different and that either I would get taller or that it's not a bad height.
But here we are. I'm 26 years old and not an inch taller than I was when I was 14. I could eat only 100 calories a day and do 1,000 push-ups and sit-ups a day and I would still just be the same, miserable, 65 inches tall.
Most people, even my close friends, always say I have a blank expression or I just don't really have a range of emotions. But, the truth is is that I do. I'm an incredibly fragile individual. So fragile that I have to build this wall around me and not let anyone in. The few times I feel like I can open the gate, my heart gets smashed to pieces and I have to close the gate and put all the pieces together again.
Like I am right now.
And, maybe that's part of the problem. But when the girls I like don't reciprocate 100% of the time that I open up to them, it makes it that much harder to open the gate the next time.
I don't want to hurt anymore. But being jaded sucks too. And at 26 years old, I still got 14 year old problems that can't be solved. I'm really nothing more than a little kid.
And honestly, I know no one will read this which is why this blog has been quite the safe space for me.
But if you're one of the few that actually read this, just leave a comment letting me know you listened. I don't open up like this often. and to know that someone listened and empathized, would mean the world to me.
It's something that losers say.
It's something I say all the time.
Am I a loser?
Well, it's kind of funny. If you were to ask my friends, they would probably say something like:
"Mason is so cool!"
"You should see him when he plays. It's like a different person!"
"He's really smart!"
"Wow, I can't believe he owns a house!"
"He's a a pretty good looking guy, even."
"How does he not have a girlfriend?"
The truth is, the so-called "things" that I have going for me don't seem to matter. It's like one of those things that seem like a great idea in theory but in reality couldn't be any worse.
No one really wants to date me. Well, I guess that's not 100% true. Only Siths speak in absolutes. But really hardly anyone does. And I found a couple of those people but I just couldn't be physically attracted to those people. And the thing is is that I really wanted to make it work. But when push came to shove, I just couldn't get myself to like them romantically.
It sucks.
It sucks because I know exactly how it feels. Just about every woman I ever liked in my life never reciprocated those feelings. And maybe to them I could have even been someone that they wanted to like but couldn't. It really sucks. I hate myself because I couldn't like those two girls physically. I just couldn't.
And if you're wondering, no I'm not gay. Though, I kinda wish I was. Gay guys seem to love me for some reason.
But straight women, not so much. Only ones that I wasn't physically attracted to.
I did have one girlfriend that I was very physically attracted to though. But at the core, she hated me even if she didn't realize yet. She was very mad at me like all the time and eventually I broke it off with her. I hope she's happier with someone else one day.
Ugh, anyways, if this seems very stream of consciousness, it's because it is. I'm just doing this in one shot. So please bear with all of the jumping around.
So yeah, back to the original topic, no one actually wants to date me. It's weird because there are women who think I'm cool, think I have attributes that would be desirable in a boyfriend. But, it seems that none of them would ever be interested in dating me.
Am I just not interesting enough?
Am I not cool enough?
Am I not special enough?
Am I not tall enough?
I just don't get it. I feel I've done everything I possibly could have done to improve myself. I even lost 25 lbs since last year. That may not sound like a lot but keep in mind that I was already a small guy to begin with. I was pretty much starving myself everyday and working out my body into oblivion. I would say my caloric intake during a 6 month span last year was averaging 800 calories a day along with a workout routine that involved doing, on average, 450 push-ups, 450 sit-ups, and 250 lunges a day. Eventually I had to stop doing lunges though because it was destroying my knees. It got to the point where I couldn't do even one lunge because it hurt my knees too much.
^^If that doesn't sound healthy, it's because it wasn't. I felt light headed just about everyday. I would experience dizzy spells regularly, especially if I stood up quickly. I wouldn't recommend doing this. I still do the push-ups and sit-ups but only every other day so that my muscles can heal.
I guess the point of all that is that I was trying to do anything to make myself even the slightest bit more attractive. Especially at 5' 5", I know I'm already working shorthanded since I know that women don't typically like short guys but also that every bit of fat that I have is more noticeable so I knew I would have to work and suffer that much more to get my body to a shape that was more desirable. There's still some days when I look in the mirror and think that I'm still too fat so perhaps I have an eating disorder? I don't think so though. I don't do the dizzy thing anymore. lol
If you're reading this and you think I'm being particularly hard on myself, there's a good reason for that. I just don't seem good enough for anyone. My friends list these pros about me all the time but, when it comes down to it, it's not enough for someone to actually reciprocate feelings I have for them.
Most recently, I revealed to my long time friend that I've liked his girlfriend's sister for a long time. We're talking years. No one really had any idea and I've just masked it this whole time because she's always had a boyfriend the whole time that I've know her, until somewhat recently.
My friend is a bit of a blabber mouth and, long story short, the whole family knows that I like this girl. Just about everyone is a fan of the idea of the two of us dating. On paper, I appear to be good for her and everything. Right?
But, my friend just today, straight up asks her if she likes me which she could only respond, "I'm not looking for a relationship right now." Which, I'm not dumb, this means that she is definitely, not even remotely, not ever ever ever, going to be interested in me romantically.
Which, with this, all I can do is put my head in my hands and wonder if all my worst fears really are true. I'm not good enough to date.
Ever.
Which this kind of brings on a bit of a existential crisis in me because I don't even really know why I exist at this point. I go to a job and pay bills and stuff. But, I'm not really sure if I'm making a difference in anyone's life at all.
Or, even worse, if anyone even wants me to.
It really make me value myself as a person. And when I have to value myself, it usually ends up being pretty low value considering that the question even came up in my head.
And, like I've said before, I've given it my all pretty much to improve myself. Quite frankly, I'm really tired. Like, physically and emotionally. And I'm lost because I don't know what more I can do.
If you go on dating sites as a male who is 5' 5", you will find so many profiles that say something like "If you're not even 5' 9", don't bother."
The height changes and the end phrase changes but to me it's all the same because the girls like that never want someone 5' 5" and taller. And you might be thinking that those are girls not worth dating anyways, but, the sentiment seems like a pretty common story. I get weeded out frequently on an attribute I can't even control.
It fucking sucks.
I suck.
And maybe it's Darwinism at work, and I will always be the loser, as I had always feared.
My friends have always tried to convince me it would be different and that either I would get taller or that it's not a bad height.
But here we are. I'm 26 years old and not an inch taller than I was when I was 14. I could eat only 100 calories a day and do 1,000 push-ups and sit-ups a day and I would still just be the same, miserable, 65 inches tall.
Most people, even my close friends, always say I have a blank expression or I just don't really have a range of emotions. But, the truth is is that I do. I'm an incredibly fragile individual. So fragile that I have to build this wall around me and not let anyone in. The few times I feel like I can open the gate, my heart gets smashed to pieces and I have to close the gate and put all the pieces together again.
Like I am right now.
And, maybe that's part of the problem. But when the girls I like don't reciprocate 100% of the time that I open up to them, it makes it that much harder to open the gate the next time.
I don't want to hurt anymore. But being jaded sucks too. And at 26 years old, I still got 14 year old problems that can't be solved. I'm really nothing more than a little kid.
And honestly, I know no one will read this which is why this blog has been quite the safe space for me.
But if you're one of the few that actually read this, just leave a comment letting me know you listened. I don't open up like this often. and to know that someone listened and empathized, would mean the world to me.
The Girl with The Smashing Pumpkins Tattoo: The Final Chapter
I write this in not the greatest state of mind, but I think it's honest. And I think that being honest with myself for the first time since high school may not be something that I'm ready to handle, but it is something that I probably need.
As far as the title of this post, there isn't much of a story there. It's over. Done. The same thing happens that always happens. And that's that nothing happens. Why does nothing happen? Well, it's because my social self does nothing but stumbles, falls, and never really fully gets up. This past weekend her band played again. And this past weekend I couldn't find a way to talk to her again. I doubt it will ever happen. That I actually talk to her.
I suck. And I hate myself.
They say that history repeats itself and I haven't been able to be a competent social being since the time I was born. There are plenty of theories floating around in my mind for why this would be but it doesn't really matter now. All that matters is that I'm like this. And I feel hopeless. I probably am hopeless.
Not only could I not talk to The Girl with The Smashing Pumpkins Tattoo but when I approached the singer and drummer of her band to tell them how much I like their band, I was super awkward then too. I'm just super awkward with every person I try to talk to. And it sucks. I suck.
I've been running away from my feelings for so long that I didn't know I was so sad still. I had been an optimist for so long that I didn't realize I was still being a optimist and that my vision was clouded from reality.
I've got to be one of the worst social beings in existence. Very few times have I been able to make a connection with someone on a basic level, let alone a deep level. I can't even comprehend simple social situations. And when I try to stay in a social situation, I clearly overstay my welcome. The person I'm trying to socialize with gets uneasy and wants out. And I can tell. I'm not that dumb. But I don't know how to keep their interest in me. I'm just another guy really.
But at the same time, I'm one of the most bizarre people ever. My interests span so many horizons that I feel like I can't relate to anyone. How often do you come across someone who is incredibly in touch with their logical AND creative brains? Almost never. I've never really fit in with the engineering students when I was in college because I was too artsy. And it drives me crazy when engineers talk about how the liberal arts degrees are a waste of time! They're not (but that's an argument for a different day)! But I don't fit in with artists either because my other interests aren't something they can relate to. Things like physics or science.
And oh god, no one I know gives a fuck about professional sports. Yeah, that's the cherry on top. Being a sports nerd like me is something that all my artsy and engineering peers will always find unappealing. I always try to keep that part of me away from people.
I guess when it comes down to it, I feel like I don't fit in anywhere. I mean, there's a whole world out there. And I realize that. But no one out there seems to quite understand what it's like to be me. My mix of interests and personalities makes me the mutt of humans. I feel like a garbage collector that doesn't ever get emptied. And a lot of the time I feel like I'm not worth anyone's time.
And maybe it's true that I'm not worth anyone's time but I just don't know how to cope with this yet. I feel sad. Sadder than I've felt since high school. And I think this is good because I'm not running away anymore. But at the same time, I don't know how to solve my problems. I've never known how to solve my problems which is why they persist.
I used to just believe that my problems were skin deep. Not so good looking face, short/stocky stature, bullshit for hair, dark narrow eyes, etc etc... But my personality is shit too. It's just bizarre. People tend to stick with what they know. And when they see me stumbling through conversation, they don't know what they're looking at. I feel like garbage...
My problems become exponentially worse as I try to consider how it affects my chances at getting a girlfriend. I mean, that's more of a commitment than just hanging out with someone and being their friend. No wonder I get avoided like the plague.
If you're looking for an explanation as to why my last girlfriend dated me, you don't have to look far. She had some bad times growing up and she just wanted a guy that wasn't going to abuse or use her. That's about the only thing I can get right so she decided to date me. And we lasted for awhile. About 6 months, in fact. But I think that she got to the point that she couldn't put up with my personality any longer. She grew very irritable with everything that I did and everything that I didn't do. I put her through hell essentially. And when I realized this, I prolonged it, hoping that the relationship would turn around. But her pain only got worse. So I eventually had no choice but to cut it off. Which was really saddening but she's much better off this way and I think she's happier now than she was our whole relationship (which is one happy ending in the story I suppose).
The point of all of this is, well, I kind of drew the conclusion that I'm really just bad boyfriend material. Like, the worst probably. Everyone I know would be a better boyfriend than me, and it shows too. Most of my friends are dating somebody (other than a few that may be going through the same issues that I am, just slightly different). I feel everyone just connects better than I do. How am I supposed to connect if I'm not like anyone else?
There's the problem.
And that's why I can't date anyone. At this point, I'm about 90% certain that I'll never find someone who can actually be happy with me for being me (let alone finding that "special someone" so-to-speak). This thought really depresses me as just about everyone has told me that out of all of the billions of people in the world, someone is meant for you. Or, at the very least, someone who can put up with your shit. But I'm worthless.
And ever since this past weekend when I realized this, I've basically been on the verge of tears 24/7. Nothing feels good and everything seems so very dark. If I'm stuck in the dark, I suppose I'll sit down awhile in my lightless void. And start to fully absorb this loneliness that I've been feeling.
Sometimes I think I'm better off dead. Which I hate to say, but if I can't connect with anyone, everything I do seems pointless. The whole point of the music I write is to maybe connect with someone. I feel like I'm constantly reaching out from my dark void, blindly grasping until someone decides to reach back to me. But no one ever does. I have no choice but to be a loner. I doubt anyone has ever felt as lonely at a party as me. And it's amazing how little I've improved myself since high school. And how people still see me as the same person that they don't find interest in. Especially women. I know every woman is different but, they all see me the same I think. They see me as this guy that has nothing special to offer and other things that they don't find interesting at all. Oh god, I could only imagine how bad things would get if I ever decided to try and talk statistics with someone! But even my more mainstream interests don't interest anyone.
I'm a complete outcast. And it makes me feel a little better to finally admit this. Though, it makes absolutely nothing better. I'm always on the outside looking in. That awkward kid who can't get in the conversation. The conversation circle shifts whenever I try to enter. And I'm left with nothing to say and a brisk wind against my face, before I lose sight of everyone and am left sitting all alone again.
Like I was in high school, I feel a resentment towards everyone who has their significant others and can make conversation. I feel angry like I just got my most precious things stolen from me. But at the same time, I understand why they wouldn't talk to me. I don't appeal to them.
I hate writing in terms of "me and them" but it's the only way that makes sense. And I hate writing this way because it makes me more depressed than I was before. But it's the truth. And it's time that I start facing the truth.
I'll probably die alone, just like I had always hypothesized in high school. And I hate that my high school self was correct about everything. I'm starting to think I was smarter in high school than I have been since then; being all hopelessly optimistic and everything.
I'm still coming to terms with this but maybe one day I can accept the fact that I will probably never have a girlfriend. Not one that likes me for me anyways. I could always take advantage of girls that are desperate for nice guys like my last girlfriend, but that's not the right thing to do. I really just wish things were different. That I could be different. But I don't know how to change or conform. I don't know how to be important to someone. Or to even get The Girl with The Smashing Pumpkins Tattoo to notice me or talk to me again. And I'm too stupid to even stop crushing on her. I'm a mess.
And if I know one thing for sure, it's that no one wants to date a mess; Let alone a guy who not only like artsy music but also likes sports, science and technology, physics, follows politics closely, plays video games, enjoys nature, enjoys driving cars, and enjoys teenage soap operas. God I'm screwed up. How is anyone not supposed to hate at least one of those things about me let alone half of them?
I hate myself and I suck. I just wish I could be the perfect guy for The Girl with the Smashing Pumpkins Tattoo. My gut instinct still tells me that she's someone that I would like a lot. But, the more important question, whether I'm the kind of guy for her, may never be answered.
As far as the title of this post, there isn't much of a story there. It's over. Done. The same thing happens that always happens. And that's that nothing happens. Why does nothing happen? Well, it's because my social self does nothing but stumbles, falls, and never really fully gets up. This past weekend her band played again. And this past weekend I couldn't find a way to talk to her again. I doubt it will ever happen. That I actually talk to her.
I suck. And I hate myself.
They say that history repeats itself and I haven't been able to be a competent social being since the time I was born. There are plenty of theories floating around in my mind for why this would be but it doesn't really matter now. All that matters is that I'm like this. And I feel hopeless. I probably am hopeless.
Not only could I not talk to The Girl with The Smashing Pumpkins Tattoo but when I approached the singer and drummer of her band to tell them how much I like their band, I was super awkward then too. I'm just super awkward with every person I try to talk to. And it sucks. I suck.
I've been running away from my feelings for so long that I didn't know I was so sad still. I had been an optimist for so long that I didn't realize I was still being a optimist and that my vision was clouded from reality.
I've got to be one of the worst social beings in existence. Very few times have I been able to make a connection with someone on a basic level, let alone a deep level. I can't even comprehend simple social situations. And when I try to stay in a social situation, I clearly overstay my welcome. The person I'm trying to socialize with gets uneasy and wants out. And I can tell. I'm not that dumb. But I don't know how to keep their interest in me. I'm just another guy really.
But at the same time, I'm one of the most bizarre people ever. My interests span so many horizons that I feel like I can't relate to anyone. How often do you come across someone who is incredibly in touch with their logical AND creative brains? Almost never. I've never really fit in with the engineering students when I was in college because I was too artsy. And it drives me crazy when engineers talk about how the liberal arts degrees are a waste of time! They're not (but that's an argument for a different day)! But I don't fit in with artists either because my other interests aren't something they can relate to. Things like physics or science.
And oh god, no one I know gives a fuck about professional sports. Yeah, that's the cherry on top. Being a sports nerd like me is something that all my artsy and engineering peers will always find unappealing. I always try to keep that part of me away from people.
I guess when it comes down to it, I feel like I don't fit in anywhere. I mean, there's a whole world out there. And I realize that. But no one out there seems to quite understand what it's like to be me. My mix of interests and personalities makes me the mutt of humans. I feel like a garbage collector that doesn't ever get emptied. And a lot of the time I feel like I'm not worth anyone's time.
And maybe it's true that I'm not worth anyone's time but I just don't know how to cope with this yet. I feel sad. Sadder than I've felt since high school. And I think this is good because I'm not running away anymore. But at the same time, I don't know how to solve my problems. I've never known how to solve my problems which is why they persist.
I used to just believe that my problems were skin deep. Not so good looking face, short/stocky stature, bullshit for hair, dark narrow eyes, etc etc... But my personality is shit too. It's just bizarre. People tend to stick with what they know. And when they see me stumbling through conversation, they don't know what they're looking at. I feel like garbage...
My problems become exponentially worse as I try to consider how it affects my chances at getting a girlfriend. I mean, that's more of a commitment than just hanging out with someone and being their friend. No wonder I get avoided like the plague.
If you're looking for an explanation as to why my last girlfriend dated me, you don't have to look far. She had some bad times growing up and she just wanted a guy that wasn't going to abuse or use her. That's about the only thing I can get right so she decided to date me. And we lasted for awhile. About 6 months, in fact. But I think that she got to the point that she couldn't put up with my personality any longer. She grew very irritable with everything that I did and everything that I didn't do. I put her through hell essentially. And when I realized this, I prolonged it, hoping that the relationship would turn around. But her pain only got worse. So I eventually had no choice but to cut it off. Which was really saddening but she's much better off this way and I think she's happier now than she was our whole relationship (which is one happy ending in the story I suppose).
The point of all of this is, well, I kind of drew the conclusion that I'm really just bad boyfriend material. Like, the worst probably. Everyone I know would be a better boyfriend than me, and it shows too. Most of my friends are dating somebody (other than a few that may be going through the same issues that I am, just slightly different). I feel everyone just connects better than I do. How am I supposed to connect if I'm not like anyone else?
There's the problem.
And that's why I can't date anyone. At this point, I'm about 90% certain that I'll never find someone who can actually be happy with me for being me (let alone finding that "special someone" so-to-speak). This thought really depresses me as just about everyone has told me that out of all of the billions of people in the world, someone is meant for you. Or, at the very least, someone who can put up with your shit. But I'm worthless.
And ever since this past weekend when I realized this, I've basically been on the verge of tears 24/7. Nothing feels good and everything seems so very dark. If I'm stuck in the dark, I suppose I'll sit down awhile in my lightless void. And start to fully absorb this loneliness that I've been feeling.
Sometimes I think I'm better off dead. Which I hate to say, but if I can't connect with anyone, everything I do seems pointless. The whole point of the music I write is to maybe connect with someone. I feel like I'm constantly reaching out from my dark void, blindly grasping until someone decides to reach back to me. But no one ever does. I have no choice but to be a loner. I doubt anyone has ever felt as lonely at a party as me. And it's amazing how little I've improved myself since high school. And how people still see me as the same person that they don't find interest in. Especially women. I know every woman is different but, they all see me the same I think. They see me as this guy that has nothing special to offer and other things that they don't find interesting at all. Oh god, I could only imagine how bad things would get if I ever decided to try and talk statistics with someone! But even my more mainstream interests don't interest anyone.
I'm a complete outcast. And it makes me feel a little better to finally admit this. Though, it makes absolutely nothing better. I'm always on the outside looking in. That awkward kid who can't get in the conversation. The conversation circle shifts whenever I try to enter. And I'm left with nothing to say and a brisk wind against my face, before I lose sight of everyone and am left sitting all alone again.
Like I was in high school, I feel a resentment towards everyone who has their significant others and can make conversation. I feel angry like I just got my most precious things stolen from me. But at the same time, I understand why they wouldn't talk to me. I don't appeal to them.
I hate writing in terms of "me and them" but it's the only way that makes sense. And I hate writing this way because it makes me more depressed than I was before. But it's the truth. And it's time that I start facing the truth.
I'll probably die alone, just like I had always hypothesized in high school. And I hate that my high school self was correct about everything. I'm starting to think I was smarter in high school than I have been since then; being all hopelessly optimistic and everything.
I'm still coming to terms with this but maybe one day I can accept the fact that I will probably never have a girlfriend. Not one that likes me for me anyways. I could always take advantage of girls that are desperate for nice guys like my last girlfriend, but that's not the right thing to do. I really just wish things were different. That I could be different. But I don't know how to change or conform. I don't know how to be important to someone. Or to even get The Girl with The Smashing Pumpkins Tattoo to notice me or talk to me again. And I'm too stupid to even stop crushing on her. I'm a mess.
And if I know one thing for sure, it's that no one wants to date a mess; Let alone a guy who not only like artsy music but also likes sports, science and technology, physics, follows politics closely, plays video games, enjoys nature, enjoys driving cars, and enjoys teenage soap operas. God I'm screwed up. How is anyone not supposed to hate at least one of those things about me let alone half of them?
I hate myself and I suck. I just wish I could be the perfect guy for The Girl with the Smashing Pumpkins Tattoo. My gut instinct still tells me that she's someone that I would like a lot. But, the more important question, whether I'm the kind of guy for her, may never be answered.
The Girl with the Smashing Pumpkins Tattoo
9/12/2016 to approximately 9/21/2016 (I wrote this over the course of a week and a half or so)
Huh. I literally haven't posted anything in a year. That's interesting...
Huh. I literally haven't posted anything in a year. That's interesting...
Anyways, I am writing today to try and figure out some of my thoughts yet again. Because, who's more mixed up than me? Honestly...
Since my last post, I've had a girlfriend, broke up with said girlfriend, and am now single all over again. But things are kinda different than they were a year ago. First off, I'm employed now and have been employed for nearly a year at a job putting that Bachelor's degree to use. So, that's been very good. But, honestly, that hasn't had much impact on my state of mind.
I'll try not to jump around too much; emphasis on try because for how confusing my thoughts are right now, I will have a very tough time keeping all of my thoughts straight.
So I should probably start back with what was essentially my first girlfriend experience. Long story short, I wasn't really meeting women, and I had wanted to date for quite some time. Partly because I wanted to know what it was like but also because I wanted to have some relationship experience under my belt before getting too old. I turned to the online dating site ok cupid for awhile, but I actually met someone who was one of my friend's coworkers. We didn't really talk at that point in time but I came across her profile on ok cupid and decided to start talking to her because she was cute and seemed nice when I met her.
And really, things went well for awhile. About three months or so were pretty great. But things got pretty ugly in the second half. I mean like, she would yell at me over trivial problems, get mad at my friends over trivial things... really just get mad in general. I mean like, there was the time she was mad at me for a whole day because I was hesitant to take her shoes off for her (yeah, I was actually going to do it). Oh! And that other time she got mad at me because I didn't give her a back massage without her asking. And that time she got mad at me because I made a "face" when she said she was going to the movies with her guy friends (I was honestly fine with it. I just thought she was messing with me like she always does). Basically, that was the last straw and I told her that we don't work well together and that she needs to find a guy that suits her better.
I digress though. This post is not about my ex-girlfriend. I just figured this would be important background information for this post. To try and understand better the state of mind I'm in. Yada Yada Yada...
So, that catches you up to last Saturday. And last Saturday, I was doing quite well. I had been broken up with my ex for about two months to this point and had been handling everything pretty well. I was more or less back to my old self. Like, I was having fun and doing the things I like to do and just being a happy clam. I was really content and happy with the single life. No regrets about breaking up with my ex and no inclination to find someone new. I knew logically in my head that being single is how I ought to be. I like hanging with my friends and spending time alone (which was being lost during the relationship). Things really couldn't be better.
Of course, whenever someone says "Things couldn't be better," that's when you know things go south pretty quickly. Like, my state of mind went from being relatively stable to a waterfall of doubts that Saturday night.
One of the things I definitely didn't doubt and still don't doubt is the decision to break up with my ex-girlfriend. The joy was gone in the relationship and everyone involved was better off. No doubts there. However, I started to doubt whether I would be better off single or not.
Now, the exact moment that I started to really doubt this is hard to determine just because I had so many thoughts in my head. Like, I couldn't really keep straight how I was really feeling just because I was so conflicted. But, I can tell you what caused me to feel this way. Why I'm so lost and confused now. And maybe someone reading this can give me some valuable input. But if you don't and just enjoy reading what I have to say, that's fine too.
The meat of this story starts at Penny Road Pub (which I have written about many times before). I was at Penny Road Pub in order to attend Intzapalooza (which I have also written about before). Intzapalooza was very unique this year compared to past years due to the fact that it was not only at a real music venue but that it also had a ton of bands I had never seen before. So just about everyone there I had never met before. And it was kinda cool to be at a local show with a bunch of strangers.
Anyways, I was sitting at one of the high tops watching the first acoustic act when a group of three girls came down the stairs and came to a stop. One of the girls leans towards the other girl and starts talking while looking in my direction. In my head, like I usually do, I doubt the fact that any girl is looking at me in particular. I assume she's looking at something or someone else behind me. So I really don't think much of it. And yes, despite actually getting a girlfriend (finally), I still seriously doubt that anyone else could actually like me. Which sounds stupid but at this point, I feel like someone that no one wants to date. Like someone who is a lesser choice. Like someone who is unattractive.
But then, she starts walking in my direction. Me being the idiot that I am, I assume that she is walking past to talk to someone behind me. But her path doesn't deviate to either side of me. She's still coming straight at me. And me being the idiot that I am, I assume that she is going to run me over in order to talk to someone behind me.
But she stops to my surprise. So I look directly at her instead of out of my peripheral. And when I look at her she has this beautiful smile like someone who just won the lottery or something. She was just radiant. Her smile seemed like it encompassed all of the happiness in the world. It could very well have been the most beautiful smile I have ever seen.
"I like your shirt!" she exclaims at me. At this point, I'm completely dumbfounded. Like, the neural network in my head feels like a gridlocked traffic jam. I couldn't even tell half of the thoughts that were running around in my head. On what to do or say, it was beyond my control. And frequently, when a pretty girl interacts with me unexpectedly, I turn into a completely cold person. It's like the complete opposite of all the activity in my head. Since I couldn't get a grip on what was happening, I can only force out one word.
"Thanks."
Which actually isn't so bad yet. But I imagine I sounded unenthused with the whole situation because my voice goes into more of a monotone than it already is when I get scared like this. There's no doubt that all the panic that goes on in my head and my cold exterior is all a result of fear...
At this point you might be wondering what the shirt I'm wearing is like. Well, it's just a t-shirt. Nothing very fancy, just a t-shirt. But it is a band t-shirt and the art on the t-shirt is from the band Smashing Pumpkins and is the album cover Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness. So now that you know this you can imagine what this shirt looks like:
I can't remember exactly what she says after that because my head is just muddy with all the panic going on in my head. She goes on to tell me that she has a tattoo of the woman on the album cover and proceeds to roll up her hoodie sleeve to show me a black and white tattoo of the woman on the inner half of her left bicep.
I thought it was actually pretty damn awesome that she had a Smashing Pumpkins tattoo. But through all the craziness in my head, I can only muster a, "Cool," and "Damn," as she showed her tattoo to me. And like I said before, I imagine that I sounded super monotone and unenthused about it even though it wasn't what I had actually thought of the tattoo.
So, at this point, I'm doing pretty poorly. This girl has come up to me, complimented my shirt, shown me one of her tattoos, and I couldn't appear to be more uninterested. Like, it's really just bad. But we haven't even gotten to the worst part. After she showed me her tattoo, we shared an awkward silence. It was probably only about five seconds but it felt like an eternity as I was digging through my head trying to find what to say. But I couldn't find the words to reflect my enthusiasm for her bad ass tattoo because of all of the fear and all of noise in my head. I literally couldn't get a single word out.
All the while, she's waiting for me to say something. It was on me to say something. I should have said something. Anything... Anything just to keep her talking to me.
But I said nothing. I must have been a real letdown. Maybe I even offended her by not commenting on her tattoo. Or asking where she got the tattoo. Asking how long she's had the tattoo. Asking what other tattoos she has. What other bands does she listen to? Has she seen a Smashing Pumpkins show before? What is her favorite Smashing Pumpkins song? What is her favorite song on Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness album? What other concerts has she been to?
I literally could have asked a million questions. But my fear suppressed them all... I was terrible.
After the longest awkward silence in history, she gave me her five star smile again and said, "Well, that was really it," or something like that, and walked away.
My friend poked fun at me a bit. Asking me who she was, and what she was talking to me about. When I told him she complimented me on my shirt, he was like, "oh she probably likes you."
And I guess that's the thing too. If she compliments me just because I have a shirt of a band that she likes, it doesn't necessarily mean that she's interested in me. I definitely don't want to just assume a girl is interested in me that way; especially if she's a stranger. I definitely don't want to be weird.
But then again, sometimes you gotta take a chance. And that is something that I definitely didn't realize at the time. My other friend found out about her commenting me on my shirt too and said that I should have gone for it. That she seemed like someone that could be a good fit for me. But who knows if you don't try, right?
But that night, I was perfectly fine still. I was content with being single, hanging with my friends and watching bands play. It's just like I had been for the past two months.
I usually realize the ramifications of my idiocy right after I screw up, especially if it involves interactions with women. But my feelings at the time really delayed that response. I was really fine with it the whole night. It wasn't until right before I went to bed that I had all my doubts rush at me at once...
But anyways, looking back in retrospect, the story of that night doesn't end there. Not at all. There's one detail that I kind of left out. Really a whole batch of details.
I found out later on when the band Oceans and Oceans came on that she was in the band Oceans and Oceans. Oceans and Oceans was my favorite set of the night and I would love to see them again. But, during their set, I could not tear my gaze away from the girl with the Smashing Pumpkins tattoo. She looked extraordinary under the lights. She was enjoying herself and couldn't stop smiling. I could feel the joy just emitting from her.
During the set my one friend was egging me on saying that we both play bass and that she's laid back like I am and that we would make a good fit. But I kept writing it off because I didn't realize it at the time.
After the show was over and I was home, I realized all of the mistakes I made. Regardless if she was interested in me or not, I should have tried to interact with her more. To just say something. To overcome my fears...
I could tell from meeting her and watching her play that she is someone special. I don't even know anything about her other than the few things I could gather from that night. I feel kind of like a weirdo for being so infatuated with someone that I don't know anything about. But I haven't been able to get her out of my mind for about a week and a half now. I haven't crushed on someone this much probably since high school; maybe even never...
If I ever get lucky enough to actually talk to her again and she doesn't hate my guts, I'll make sure I can find the words to say. If I get the chance to talk to her again, hopefully she remembers me. If she doesn't, then I would really be a weirdo. But that's a chance I have to take.
Like I said, before this I was pretty content with being single. Ever since meeting her, I've been tearing my insides apart thinking about her. I don't know if I ever met someone who could do that to me, especially in such a small amount of time. I'm really just a wreck right now. If I ever get to see her again, I hope I can gather myself together enough to be a normal social being.
I would do anything just to see that smile again...
9/26/2016
My irrational feelings about the girl with the Smashing Pumpkins tattoo haven't wavered at all. I feel really dumb and naïve for feeling this way about someone that I know basically nothing about, but I can't stop. In a way, I really hate myself because of it, I think because it's not a good feeling for me to let my emotional guard down or to let my feelings about any girl run my life like this. ...Ok, maybe that's a bit of an exaggeration. But I do think about her a lot; especially considering she's just a stranger. But most of me doesn't seem to care because she really could be a great fit for me. I have this gut feeling that she is. Even if I think that gut feelings are not very reliable, I really believe it could be right this time. I just hope that she finds I'm a good fit for her; or at least close enough where she would consider talking to me. We will have to see...
Since writing the last passage above, Riot Fest weekend happened (which was now two weekends ago), and while I was at Riot Fest, I really didn't want to talk about the girl with the Smashing Pumpkins tattoo. I think mostly because I don't like feeling vulnerable (which admitting my feelings makes me feel vulnerable) but also I just really wanted to let out a lot of the other anguish and frustrations I've felt lately in the pit. Unfortunately, while waiting for Jimmy Eat World to play, the topic of discussion with my friends basically caused me to blurt out the thoughts and feelings I've had centered around the girl with the Smashing Pumpkins tattoo. They had no clue up to this point that I was running in circles in my head thinking about her. I didn't say anything to them up until then.
Not one thing...
So, this probably caught them quite a bit off-guard (if they were really invested in my crushes in the first place lol). My best friend CJ who hosted Intzapalooza three weekends ago and booked Oceans and Oceans to play there decided to message one of the band members about the girl with the Smashing Pumpkins tattoo and found out she was single (which confirms one way or another a significant question in my head that I've had about her). He also found out that they will be playing another show this upcoming Saturday. So three weekends after meeting her, I will get my chance to talk to her again.
Naturally, I'm super worried about this. At this point, I'm not even sure if it's a better thing that she remembers me or not. I think that starting things off by withholding information though could get super messy and, just in general, be a shitty thing to do. So regardless of if she remembers me or not, I will mention that I know about her tattoo and tell her how awesome I think it is (assuming that I make it this far in the conversation anyways, maybe that's not a safe assumption to make...).
I'm debating whether I should wear my Smashing Pumpkins shirt again or not. It might just remind her of how stupid I was the first time so maybe that's not a great idea. Or maybe I should wear the shirt again and apologize like hell about the way I acted before. Maybe these miniscule things really don't matter in the long run whether she wants to give me a chance or not...
What I know I need to do is have confidence when I talk. If I don't, the same thing will happen again and it will definitely be game over. Working myself up is something I'm going to have to do on my own this time as I will be at this concert by myself. So this isn't going to be easy. But really, nothing is.
And I think that if I just be myself (well, the normal version of myself, not the nervous wreck I was the first time), ultimately she will decide whether I am a person she wants to be around or not. And that is all I can really ask for.
9/26/2016 (Part II)
The question is now, do I post this? This is some pretty deep stuff for me. I usually don't talk about this stuff let alone post it on the internet for everyone to see. But I have to be more open and okay with myself in order to exude the confidence that my friends think I should have. This could be an important step in learning to be okay with myself.
I think I'm gonna post this.
Yeah, I'm gonna post this.
I'm gonna click the publish button now.
9/26/2016
My irrational feelings about the girl with the Smashing Pumpkins tattoo haven't wavered at all. I feel really dumb and naïve for feeling this way about someone that I know basically nothing about, but I can't stop. In a way, I really hate myself because of it, I think because it's not a good feeling for me to let my emotional guard down or to let my feelings about any girl run my life like this. ...Ok, maybe that's a bit of an exaggeration. But I do think about her a lot; especially considering she's just a stranger. But most of me doesn't seem to care because she really could be a great fit for me. I have this gut feeling that she is. Even if I think that gut feelings are not very reliable, I really believe it could be right this time. I just hope that she finds I'm a good fit for her; or at least close enough where she would consider talking to me. We will have to see...
Since writing the last passage above, Riot Fest weekend happened (which was now two weekends ago), and while I was at Riot Fest, I really didn't want to talk about the girl with the Smashing Pumpkins tattoo. I think mostly because I don't like feeling vulnerable (which admitting my feelings makes me feel vulnerable) but also I just really wanted to let out a lot of the other anguish and frustrations I've felt lately in the pit. Unfortunately, while waiting for Jimmy Eat World to play, the topic of discussion with my friends basically caused me to blurt out the thoughts and feelings I've had centered around the girl with the Smashing Pumpkins tattoo. They had no clue up to this point that I was running in circles in my head thinking about her. I didn't say anything to them up until then.
Not one thing...
So, this probably caught them quite a bit off-guard (if they were really invested in my crushes in the first place lol). My best friend CJ who hosted Intzapalooza three weekends ago and booked Oceans and Oceans to play there decided to message one of the band members about the girl with the Smashing Pumpkins tattoo and found out she was single (which confirms one way or another a significant question in my head that I've had about her). He also found out that they will be playing another show this upcoming Saturday. So three weekends after meeting her, I will get my chance to talk to her again.
Naturally, I'm super worried about this. At this point, I'm not even sure if it's a better thing that she remembers me or not. I think that starting things off by withholding information though could get super messy and, just in general, be a shitty thing to do. So regardless of if she remembers me or not, I will mention that I know about her tattoo and tell her how awesome I think it is (assuming that I make it this far in the conversation anyways, maybe that's not a safe assumption to make...).
I'm debating whether I should wear my Smashing Pumpkins shirt again or not. It might just remind her of how stupid I was the first time so maybe that's not a great idea. Or maybe I should wear the shirt again and apologize like hell about the way I acted before. Maybe these miniscule things really don't matter in the long run whether she wants to give me a chance or not...
What I know I need to do is have confidence when I talk. If I don't, the same thing will happen again and it will definitely be game over. Working myself up is something I'm going to have to do on my own this time as I will be at this concert by myself. So this isn't going to be easy. But really, nothing is.
And I think that if I just be myself (well, the normal version of myself, not the nervous wreck I was the first time), ultimately she will decide whether I am a person she wants to be around or not. And that is all I can really ask for.
9/26/2016 (Part II)
The question is now, do I post this? This is some pretty deep stuff for me. I usually don't talk about this stuff let alone post it on the internet for everyone to see. But I have to be more open and okay with myself in order to exude the confidence that my friends think I should have. This could be an important step in learning to be okay with myself.
I think I'm gonna post this.
Yeah, I'm gonna post this.
I'm gonna click the publish button now.
10/4/2016
So, I went to the Oceans and Oceans show last Saturday because I wanted to talk to The Girl with the Smashing Pumpkins Tattoo. Well, honestly I probably would have gone either way because Oceans and Oceans is really good but also The Usuals and The Brokedowns played so it was just a good show to go to in general.
But anyways, I really wanted to talk to her but I decided to wait until after Oceans and Oceans set to talk to her since I could compliment her about her set and just have more time to talk to her in general.
But...
But I lost my chance because the whole band left in the middle of the next band's set. I was going to go find her after that set since I would know for sure that she wouldn't be busy packing her stuff still.
But they were all gone.
The only thing left of Oceans and Oceans was a pile of split EPs they had recorded with Home Burial; just sitting on a table in the back. I took one even though I already downloaded the EP just because I like CDs.
Anyways, I lost my chance and it's been eating me up since. That night, I had a strange dream where I got home from work and The Girl With the Smashing Pumpkins Tattoo was waiting for me in my backyard. I went out to confront her and said, "Hey," only for her to respond with "Ready to fight?" with a scowl on her face. While I was still in bewilderment for what she had asked, she takes the first swing at me and I barely duck out of the way. And from that point on, it wasn't even close. I tried to fight back but her moves were inhuman. She was able to block the few attacks I had perfectly as she gave me a beat down. Her last move she performed a hip throw and pummeled me while I was on the ground. And then she walked away with some other guy that wasn't there before the fight without a single word.
It seemed like a strange dream to have but like I said, it is tearing me up inside. I still hope that I get my chance to talk to her again. I still feel like a naïve idiot for being so interested in her since I still don't know much of anything about her. I still feel embarrassed to admit all of this but more of me doesn't care.
Just anything to talk to her. Just anything for her to give me a chance.
10/25/2016
I'm not used to getting second chances... or third chances for that matter. My third chance was at Nightmare on Chicago Street this past Saturday. Now granted, this third chance was the worst of my chances at talking to The Girl with the Smashing Pumpkins Tattoo; as you will see in a minute.
Nightmare on Chicago Street is a Halloween themed festival hosted in Elgin, Illinois every year. The aesthetic is pretty cool since they close down a portion of downtown Elgin for the fest and turn it into a zombie apocalypse. There are wrecked cars, mulch in the streets, boarded up windows, and actors who pretend to be zombies. This year, there was even a tank at one of the intersections.
One of the things that Nightmare on Chicago Street does every year is put on musical performances. They set up three different stages where bands perform. One of the stages, early on, had a performance by the band Home Burial, a band that you will recall as recording a split EP with Oceans and Oceans; the band that The Girl with the Smashing Pumpkins Tattoo is the bass player for.
I third-wheeled with my friend CJ and his girlfriend Chloe (which by now, third-wheeling is not unusual for me). But yeah, I had been wanting to go to Nightmare on Chicago Street for quite a few years since it had been so long since I had gone (I think I went the first or second year they had it)... But also, Home Burial is a pretty cool band so I wanted to see them... But also, I was hoping to get a chance to talk to The Girl with the Smashing Pumpkins Tattoo.
Home Burial played and I actually hadn't spotted her at all until towards the end of the set. It was the last song of the set. For the last song, a small mosh pit had formed at the foot of the stage. And I saw her in there and actually ended up giving her a shove in the back because she came out of nowhere when I was trying to get back into the pit. Apparently at some point though, she fell down and hit her head on the street. I saw her getting helped around by the guitar player from Oceans and Oceans for a little bit.
But she seemed okay after that. About ten minutes after the set was over, I spotted her again chatting with some of her friends. But it was quite a distance away and I would have had to excuse myself and then try to get her attention in the middle of their conversation. Needless to say, it wasn't a great opportunity to talk to her.
Later on in the night, CJ, Chloe, and I ran into the guitar player from Home Burial who also was hanging out with two or three other guys and The Girl with the Smashing Pumpkins Tattoo. This wasn't a great scenario for me either as not only was it a relatively large group, but also the group split into two conversational groups and that left her in one half and CJ, Chloe, the guitar player from Home Burial, and me talking in the other half.
I couldn't help but to eye her from our half of the group. She had that same smile again; the one that drives me crazy. And it's like her hair is the perfect proportion between wavy and straight. Her eyes are narrow like mine but the bit you can see of them are lively and bright. And she always wears this dark red/brown lipstick; I guess I'm not really sure which, but the shade complements her hair perfectly.
After awhile, eventually The Girl with the Smashing Pumpkins Tattoo said, "Let's go that way," and her portion of the group agreed. So the guitar player from Home Burial got dragged off into their direction and their group was slowly walking away. CJ asked me if we should tag along with them. Inside I was shouting, "YES! I WANT HER TO KNOW I EXIST!" but all I could say out loud was, "It doesn't matter to me."
Because I always fucking do that. My whole life, I've covered up how I actually feel about things in order to avoid having people worry about me or to avoid creating unnecessary trouble. I hate asking for help and I hate being dependent on others, but it's probably why I'm such a mess in the first place!
I take back what I said about not having much of an opportunity to talk to her. I could have had an opportunity to talk to her if I just spoke up about tagging along with their group. Why am I like this? Why am I wired to not express my emotions? Everyone seems to think I'm indifferent to everything. Some people may even think I feel nothing at all. But it's not true at all. Maybe I'm afraid of causing trouble, maybe I'm afraid of people thinking poorly of me, or maybe I'm afraid of people thinking that I'm selfish. Or maybe all of the above. Maybe I actually am selfish and this is my way of keeping my selfishness in check. If I never ask for what I want or tell people how I feel, then I can't be selfish right? Who knows? I've been doing this for so long that I can't remember the rationale behind my behavior, if there was any rationale to begin with. Then again, the last time I expressed my emotions to anyone was my dad and he told me to stop "pretending to be a victim." I don't really know what he means by that (unless if that's his way of calling me selfish and that my feelings are invalid or wrong) but regardless, it was stupid of me to open up to my dad because I already know he doesn't give a shit anyway.
...Getting back on track, not surprisingly enough, I didn't see The Girl with the Smashing Pumpkins Tattoo for the rest of the night. And the rest of the night I had this shitty feeling. It wasn't that great of a night after that for a few different reasons. The night got considerably colder, we ran out of things to do at the fest, and the rest of the bands weren't very good. But what made it way worse was the sinking feeling I got by losing my opportunity to talk to her... again.
I've been a life-long Cubs fan and even though they clinched a World Series appearance for the first time since 1945 that night, I felt like the most defeated person on the planet.
Like the batter that always strikes out.
Watching the pitches go by one, two, three, yer out!
My friend told me that if I'm so nervous around her, maybe she's not a good fit. But the thing is, I'm not nervous, but very afraid of rejection. If I get rejected, I don't know if I can handle it this time. This crush has just been such an intense crush that I'm super hopeful that things work out. And if they don't, well, I'll be crushed. And I can't help but to feel that way.
But I can't go on like this either. I need to talk to her and see how things go. Not knowing is almost worse than being rejected because the feeling is indefinite until you know for sure. Getting rejected will be a lot of negative emotions at once, but it won't last forever. So...
I need to swing the bat. And I need to swing sooner than later.
If I can get a base hit and have her want to keep talking to me, I would be the happiest guy in the world...
10/25/2016
I'm not used to getting second chances... or third chances for that matter. My third chance was at Nightmare on Chicago Street this past Saturday. Now granted, this third chance was the worst of my chances at talking to The Girl with the Smashing Pumpkins Tattoo; as you will see in a minute.
Nightmare on Chicago Street is a Halloween themed festival hosted in Elgin, Illinois every year. The aesthetic is pretty cool since they close down a portion of downtown Elgin for the fest and turn it into a zombie apocalypse. There are wrecked cars, mulch in the streets, boarded up windows, and actors who pretend to be zombies. This year, there was even a tank at one of the intersections.
One of the things that Nightmare on Chicago Street does every year is put on musical performances. They set up three different stages where bands perform. One of the stages, early on, had a performance by the band Home Burial, a band that you will recall as recording a split EP with Oceans and Oceans; the band that The Girl with the Smashing Pumpkins Tattoo is the bass player for.
I third-wheeled with my friend CJ and his girlfriend Chloe (which by now, third-wheeling is not unusual for me). But yeah, I had been wanting to go to Nightmare on Chicago Street for quite a few years since it had been so long since I had gone (I think I went the first or second year they had it)... But also, Home Burial is a pretty cool band so I wanted to see them... But also, I was hoping to get a chance to talk to The Girl with the Smashing Pumpkins Tattoo.
Home Burial played and I actually hadn't spotted her at all until towards the end of the set. It was the last song of the set. For the last song, a small mosh pit had formed at the foot of the stage. And I saw her in there and actually ended up giving her a shove in the back because she came out of nowhere when I was trying to get back into the pit. Apparently at some point though, she fell down and hit her head on the street. I saw her getting helped around by the guitar player from Oceans and Oceans for a little bit.
But she seemed okay after that. About ten minutes after the set was over, I spotted her again chatting with some of her friends. But it was quite a distance away and I would have had to excuse myself and then try to get her attention in the middle of their conversation. Needless to say, it wasn't a great opportunity to talk to her.
Later on in the night, CJ, Chloe, and I ran into the guitar player from Home Burial who also was hanging out with two or three other guys and The Girl with the Smashing Pumpkins Tattoo. This wasn't a great scenario for me either as not only was it a relatively large group, but also the group split into two conversational groups and that left her in one half and CJ, Chloe, the guitar player from Home Burial, and me talking in the other half.
I couldn't help but to eye her from our half of the group. She had that same smile again; the one that drives me crazy. And it's like her hair is the perfect proportion between wavy and straight. Her eyes are narrow like mine but the bit you can see of them are lively and bright. And she always wears this dark red/brown lipstick; I guess I'm not really sure which, but the shade complements her hair perfectly.
After awhile, eventually The Girl with the Smashing Pumpkins Tattoo said, "Let's go that way," and her portion of the group agreed. So the guitar player from Home Burial got dragged off into their direction and their group was slowly walking away. CJ asked me if we should tag along with them. Inside I was shouting, "YES! I WANT HER TO KNOW I EXIST!" but all I could say out loud was, "It doesn't matter to me."
Because I always fucking do that. My whole life, I've covered up how I actually feel about things in order to avoid having people worry about me or to avoid creating unnecessary trouble. I hate asking for help and I hate being dependent on others, but it's probably why I'm such a mess in the first place!
I take back what I said about not having much of an opportunity to talk to her. I could have had an opportunity to talk to her if I just spoke up about tagging along with their group. Why am I like this? Why am I wired to not express my emotions? Everyone seems to think I'm indifferent to everything. Some people may even think I feel nothing at all. But it's not true at all. Maybe I'm afraid of causing trouble, maybe I'm afraid of people thinking poorly of me, or maybe I'm afraid of people thinking that I'm selfish. Or maybe all of the above. Maybe I actually am selfish and this is my way of keeping my selfishness in check. If I never ask for what I want or tell people how I feel, then I can't be selfish right? Who knows? I've been doing this for so long that I can't remember the rationale behind my behavior, if there was any rationale to begin with. Then again, the last time I expressed my emotions to anyone was my dad and he told me to stop "pretending to be a victim." I don't really know what he means by that (unless if that's his way of calling me selfish and that my feelings are invalid or wrong) but regardless, it was stupid of me to open up to my dad because I already know he doesn't give a shit anyway.
...Getting back on track, not surprisingly enough, I didn't see The Girl with the Smashing Pumpkins Tattoo for the rest of the night. And the rest of the night I had this shitty feeling. It wasn't that great of a night after that for a few different reasons. The night got considerably colder, we ran out of things to do at the fest, and the rest of the bands weren't very good. But what made it way worse was the sinking feeling I got by losing my opportunity to talk to her... again.
I've been a life-long Cubs fan and even though they clinched a World Series appearance for the first time since 1945 that night, I felt like the most defeated person on the planet.
Like the batter that always strikes out.
Watching the pitches go by one, two, three, yer out!
My friend told me that if I'm so nervous around her, maybe she's not a good fit. But the thing is, I'm not nervous, but very afraid of rejection. If I get rejected, I don't know if I can handle it this time. This crush has just been such an intense crush that I'm super hopeful that things work out. And if they don't, well, I'll be crushed. And I can't help but to feel that way.
But I can't go on like this either. I need to talk to her and see how things go. Not knowing is almost worse than being rejected because the feeling is indefinite until you know for sure. Getting rejected will be a lot of negative emotions at once, but it won't last forever. So...
I need to swing the bat. And I need to swing sooner than later.
If I can get a base hit and have her want to keep talking to me, I would be the happiest guy in the world...
Pros and Cons: Dying Light
Basic Information:
Developer: Techland
Genre: Horror, Survival, 1st Person Shooter, Sandbox, Online Co-op, PVP
Platform: PlayStation 4, Xbox One, PC
Release Date: Jan 27, 2015
What You'll Love:
What You'll Have Mixed or No Feelings About:
Developer: Techland
Genre: Horror, Survival, 1st Person Shooter, Sandbox, Online Co-op, PVP
Platform: PlayStation 4, Xbox One, PC
Release Date: Jan 27, 2015
What You'll Love:
- 1st person parkour mechanics
- Mostly solid voice acting
- Melee combat (which is the primary mode of combat) is really fun!
- Side quests are almost as involved as the main quest (and there are a lot of them)
- Day/night mechanics innovatively used as really tough and fast infected come out only at night. This adds a time management facet for players to make sure that they make it to a safe zone before sundown
- Fleeing the tough zombies at night make for intense chases!
- Weapon and item crafting are pretty involved allowing players to add blow torches, batteries, etc. to melee weapons to add elemental effects
- Good mix of enemies as there are the infected types along with humans w/melee weapons and humans w/firearms and grenades. Sometimes a combination of all of the above
- Leveling system is pretty good in that your agility tree, survival tree, and combat tree all level up separately at rates depending on what skills you utilize the most.
- Main quest plot will probably be forgotten after a few days if you even cared at all
- Generic main character
- Cool enemy types but mostly carbon copies of Left 4 Dead enemies
- Gunplay is a little sluggish but is still okay
- Lockpicking is similar to Fallout 3 but annoyingly difficult on the higher difficulty locks. Sometimes you'll take five whole minutes and break ten lockpicks just on one lock.
- Sometimes things that should be climbable aren't ie; some rocks, metal grates
- Human enemy AI is incredibly simple. They will never try to flank you
- Why does Jade keep her eye shadow looking so good at all times in the middle of a zombie apocalypse?
- Final boss battle is strictly a quick time event. Disappointing...
- Left 4 Dead (combat)
- Fallout 3 (lockpicking)
- Mirror's Edge (parkour mechanics)
Pros and Cons: Syd Matters - Someday We Will Foresee Obstacles
Basic Information:
Record Label: Third Side Records
Genre: Indie-folk
Release Date: April 5, 2005
What You'll Love:
What You'll Have Mixed or No Feelings About:
Record Label: Third Side Records
Genre: Indie-folk
Release Date: April 5, 2005
What You'll Love:
- Beautiful and heartfelt performances from all members of the band
- Great concept regarding a melancholy present and an optimism for the future
- Incredible use of countermelody
- Elements of 2000s electronica adds emotional buildups to already emotional pieces
- Expertly composed; adding all of the right touches in the right places
- Just about the perfect blend of textures (something that the genre often misses)
- Despite being a French band, it's English lyrics are above average and, at times, inspirational
- Simple, but thoughtful album artwork
- "Lost Bird" feels a little sub-par compared to the other great compositions on the album.
- As a whole, the album has very little variation in dynamics or meter.
- The hidden track feels incredibly out of place. It doesn't "match" the rest of the album's style which hurts what's clearly a concept album.
- Smashing Pumpkins ballads such as "By Starlight," "Spaceboy," "Galapogos," etc. but with better sung vocals
- Radiohead songs like "No Surprises," "High and Dry"
Fallout 3 Character Abomination
With my patience dwindling for the Fallout 4 release, I decided to throw Fallout 3 back into my PS3 for another trip to the wasteland. Since my first character was a master rifle marksman, computer hacker, lock picker, and negotiator, who took the most honorable and pious of paths, I decided to go a completely different route with this second character:
Meet Serena: a true disgrace to the universe. A creature that makes Deathclaws look like beautiful and decent beings. If the joker had a demon-spawn with a sumo wrestler, it would look something like this; only slightly prettier. On Serena's birth certificate it states that she is Caucasian and female. However, I see neither of those things in this organism. In fact, it's suspected that she's actually part vampire because no matter how long she's in the wasteland sun, her pale white skin does not burn. You go girl!
Upon taking the G.O.A.T. exam, Serena realized that she had the strength of a million oxen, the endurance of 10 triathletes, and the luck of 1 professional poker player. However, as it turns out, Serena had the charisma of a super mutant, the intelligence of a radroach, and the agility: well, let's just say that she could hardly walk. Corresponding to this, she realized that she would be great using big weapons, explosives, and melee weapons. What a freak.
Upon breaking out of Vault 101, where she killed everyone she saw with a baseball bat, Serena went to the nearby town of Megaton where she immediately bludgeoned the sheriff to death patrolling the front gate. When she was finished viciously murdering the kind-hearted sheriff, she wore his hat on her head to never take it off, even to this very day.
Serena continued to pillage every establishment and murder every resident in Megaton except for the obviously sinister Mister Burke whose orders she obeyed because she "liked causing suffering and senseless murder." But because Mister Burke was blind as a bat and thought she was hot, Serena got some extra caps for blowing up the bomb in Megaton.
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| A joyous occasion indeed |
Meet Serena: a true disgrace to the universe. A creature that makes Deathclaws look like beautiful and decent beings. If the joker had a demon-spawn with a sumo wrestler, it would look something like this; only slightly prettier. On Serena's birth certificate it states that she is Caucasian and female. However, I see neither of those things in this organism. In fact, it's suspected that she's actually part vampire because no matter how long she's in the wasteland sun, her pale white skin does not burn. You go girl!
Upon taking the G.O.A.T. exam, Serena realized that she had the strength of a million oxen, the endurance of 10 triathletes, and the luck of 1 professional poker player. However, as it turns out, Serena had the charisma of a super mutant, the intelligence of a radroach, and the agility: well, let's just say that she could hardly walk. Corresponding to this, she realized that she would be great using big weapons, explosives, and melee weapons. What a freak.
Upon breaking out of Vault 101, where she killed everyone she saw with a baseball bat, Serena went to the nearby town of Megaton where she immediately bludgeoned the sheriff to death patrolling the front gate. When she was finished viciously murdering the kind-hearted sheriff, she wore his hat on her head to never take it off, even to this very day.
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| Along with the "sexy sleep wear" she stole |
After being hailed a hero at Tenpenny Tower, Serena cut a straight path to the Slaver's camp at Paradise Falls where she realized her potential was not fully realized. Why kill people right away if you can enslave them and cause them to suffer for much longer?
And to this day she continues to kill the weak and enslave the strong to take their pride; all because she got called "Clown Face" in 3rd grade. Yeesh!
But if Mister Burke could find the beauty in this new found species, maybe beauty is truly in the eye of the beholder, no matter how much murder, robbery, pickpocketing, and slavery the person in-question has committed.
But if Mister Burke could find the beauty in this new found species, maybe beauty is truly in the eye of the beholder, no matter how much murder, robbery, pickpocketing, and slavery the person in-question has committed.
Both images are from my phone
Pros and Cons: PlayStation 4
Basic Information:
Brand: Sony
Product Type: Game Console
Release Date: November 15, 2013
What You'll Love:
What You'll Have Mixed or No Feelings About:
Brand: Sony
Product Type: Game Console
Release Date: November 15, 2013
What You'll Love:
- Built in screenshot and video capture software
- Background updating, downloading, and installing
- Music player can be used while playing any game (only certain games supported on PS3)
- New rest mode allows for updating, controller charging, and in-game suspension while the system is off (similar to sleep mode on the PSP)
- 500GB hard drive
- Currently, an unimpressive library of games (Xbox has the same problem)
- Change in dashboard configuration
- Touchpad on the controller is never used innovatively in gameplay
- Microphone on the controller doesn't add much
- There's a game sharing feature I'm never going to use
- No more free online play
- Forced change to YouTube ID if linked to PSN account
- Joystick pads designed in a way that makes them more likely to break
- Useless controller light just drains battery life
- Lower placement of PS button makes it more likely to be hit on accident if your thumb slips inwards
- No function to save music onto the hard drive like you could with the PS3
- Music player does not play wma format (holding a grudge against microsoft, I see...)
- Xbox One
- Nintendo Wii U (but not really)
Pros and Cons: Hearts of Iron III
Basic Information:
Developer: Paradox
Genre: WWII Strategy, Simulation
Platform: PC
Release Date: Aug 7, 2009
What You'll Love:
What You'll Have Mixed or No Feelings About:
Developer: Paradox
Genre: WWII Strategy, Simulation
Platform: PC
Release Date: Aug 7, 2009
What You'll Love:
- The detail put into the main aspects of running a country during war-time
- Historical detail and accuracy (generals from MacArthur to obscure 1 star generals are included for all major countries)
- Large list of selectable countries (Can you repel the German invasion as Luxemborg?)
- Any unit imaginable is recruitable with the right research (from infantry to tanks to battleships to submarines to bombers to men on horseback, this game has it all)
- The option to have certain aspects AI controlled for beginner players
- Plays in real-time opposed to turn-based
- The addition of the espionage tab (whatever it's called)
- Not much has changed since Hearts of Iron II
- Incredibly crash prone without an old version of Microsoft Visual C++ installed
- Difficult to pick up and play even with AI help
- The tutorial is incredibly insufficient
- Interface is still counterintuitive in some parts
- Axis & Allies (1998)
- Civilization games
- The Third Reich (board game)
Pros and Cons: Final Fantasy Type-0 HD
Basic Information:
Developer: Square Enix
Genre: JRPG
Platform: PlayStation 4, Xbox One, PC
Release Date: Mar 17, 2015 (Originally Oct 27, 2011 in Japan on PSP)
What You'll Love:
What You'll Have Mixed or No Feelings About:
Developer: Square Enix
Genre: JRPG
Platform: PlayStation 4, Xbox One, PC
Release Date: Mar 17, 2015 (Originally Oct 27, 2011 in Japan on PSP)
What You'll Love:
- Fluid and diverse combat system/mechanics
- Beautiful and incredibly detailed full-video cutscenes
- Story that puts FF characters and lore through horrors of war
- World map exploration very reminiscent of FF VII, VIII, and IX
- One of the most inspired final dungeons in any RPG
- 14 playable characters, 14 completely different battle styles
- FUCKING SHIT UP WITH PLAYABLE SUMMONS BEEEEEEEEETCHES!!!
- Relatively high level of difficulty
- A ton of replay value
- Comes with a download code for the Final Fantasy XV demo (Wait, does that count?)
- Main character voice acting
- Like other FF games, the plot is convoluted and hard to follow
- Excellent RTS style levels underutilized
- Some melee attacks difficult to master, at first
- Summoning involves human sacrifice
- Experience level grinding required for main quests
- 2 choices towards the end of the game, but only one of them gets you to the credits screen
- Only FF game I know of to get an M rating from the ESRB
- Multi-player from the original absent
- Some side character voice acting
- Uses crystal lore from Final Fantasy XIII but doesn't explain it at all
- HD remaster is lacking (mismatched lips, stiff faces, sub-par textures)
- The concept of using magical playing cards as throwing stars
- Combat in Phantasy Star Portable
- Level design in Resonance of Fate, Crisis Core: Final Fantasy VII
- Themes and characters in Valkyria Chronicles III
- RTS levels, Brutal Legend
Final Fantasy Type-0 HD
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| Yes, this card I'm holding WILL KILL YOU! |
Anyways, all of that aside, this post is about Final Fantasy Type-0 HD which is a mouthful to say so I will shorten it to FFT0 from here on out. Now, implied by its title, you'd think that this game was an HD remaster of something and with that thought, you would be correct. However, when this game came out, being a die-hard Final Fantasy fan, I could only wonder how I have never heard of this game before. Well, the answer is simple. It was a Japan only release... on the PSP... in 2011. Why no NA release? That is a damn good question because, as a PSP RPG, this game is awesome (well, I'm guessing). It's the only PSP RPG I know of that has world exploration (other than Dissidia Duodecim which had very limited world exploration). Though, I'm not here to review the PSP version because I've never played it.
The HD remaster for Playstation 4 is pretty awesome despite falling short in many areas. Why? Well, because it does a lot of things awesomely too. Readers at home, which should I start with first? The bad stuff or the good stuff? Well, since there's no interactivity with this, that last question was completely pointless and I will make the decision. I'll start with the bad stuff because I have more to say about the good stuff than the bad stuff.
As an HD remaster, this game falls short just about everywhere. Unlike the well done Final Fantasy X/X-2 remaster, this game did not get the same attention to detail. Sure, FFT0 was not nearly as popular as FFX, but I think part of this is due to the platform of the original source material. Playstation 2 games generally have better graphics than PSP games so in order to make FFT0 an effective remaster, it would have to make much greater improvements than the FFX remaster. Long story short, it doesn't. Some portions look decently improved like caves, character models, and battle environments but others such as ground textures and some building textures look like they belong back on the PSP.
As far as the NA localization, this wasn't done very good either. Main character voice acting is very hit or miss. Some of the voice actors sound like actual people conversing while others sound like they were dropped in from an alien spaceship right before delivering their lines. Side character voice acting is about the same except for the commandant. His voice acting is hilariously bad to the point where you will laugh out loud at your television even when trying to hold it in. His only tone of voice in any situation sounds like he is shouting while closing his throat which results in a combination of a snarling dog and a chain smoker turned up to eleven all of the time.
Some scenes in the NA version (at the very least) have no voice acting at all. If you play this game (which I recommend you do) be sure to turn on the subtitles otherwise you will have some cutscenes that involve people sitting there with no dialogue at all.
The characters themselves will be a matter of preference. Characters like Cinque, a brain dead bimbo, and Nine, a meat head who says "yo" a lot, will definitely annoy some players. However, if you liked characters in previous Final Fantasy games, you will find that these two characters among others are a nice breath of comic relief in what is an incredibly dark and heavy game.
The rest of the complaints I have revolve around the story, which isn't much because I actually really like the story in this game. As a quick background, the story takes place in a world where people draw their magical powers from their nation's crystal. In order to do this though, the people basically treat the crystals as gods and do what is requested of them by their respective crystal. In some instances, this involves becoming what is essentially a demi-god called a l'cie and fulfilling a goal called a focus that the crystal gives you. If you complete your goal before dying, you will be incased in crystal which is considered a huge honor, I guess.
All of what I just explained to you is never explained in this game. The only reason why I am familiar with it is from playing FFXIII which has very similar lore and terminology. If you go into this game without knowing the FFXIII lore, you will be hopelessly lost right from the get-go because this game just throws around terms like l'cie and focus without explaining any of them at all. Final Fantasy games have a history of telling convoluted story lines but this is pretty ridiculous. As a Final Fantasy fan, I actually kind of enjoy the convoluted story telling because it gives the game a bigger feeling of awe and wonder. But without the background on the crystal lore, it's just out of control. Otherwise, this game's convolutedness is about on par with other Final Fantasy games, whatever that is worth to you.
Which, on that train of thought, this game's plot is definitely peppered with plot holes. I guess it kind of comes along with the convolution but there's one that just drives me nuts that I can explain to you without spoiling anything. Early on in the game (right after the very first level) you learn that one of the defining characteristics of this world is that people get immediately forgotten after they die due to the crystals' influence in order to eliminate the grief caused by losing loved ones. In fact, this is such the case that on multiple occasions throughout the game, right after a boss battle, the boss will have their final words, then die, then immediately one of the main characters will remark that they can't remember what they were talking about or to whom. So, this is some pretty strong shit. But then there are other times, like the opening cutscene of the game, where someone that Ace knows of dies and his classmate, Queen, asks him if he wants to take a moment to mourn before moving on to the next mission objective. There are two problems with this. One, they should have immediately forgotten who that corpse was that was laying on the ground as soon as he died. Two, if they forget everyone who dies, how could they possibly know what mourning is if they never had any reason or inclination to do it? Sometimes dead people are remembered due to written records and documentation so that explains some of the plot holes (especially if the person who died is a major political figure). But the one I just described wouldn't be explained by that because even if Ace wrote the guy's name on a piece of paper, there would be no emotional attachment to the name because he wouldn't be able to remember the person associated with the written name. He would need a whole diary to even get a single drip from a tear duct.
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| I swear officer, I don't remember! |
Phew. I had more to say about the bad stuff than I thought...
On the flip side of all of that, like I said, I actually really like the story. It's probably my favorite Final Fantasy story since FFX. The story centers around an elite group of cadets called Class Zero, who are basically being trained to specialize in combat specifically to prevent the world's apocalypse foretold in a prophecy. However, their nation, The Dominion, is on the brink of losing a war with their neighbors The Militesi Empire so they get deployed to fight in the war despite just being teenage kids. The game has a lot to say about real-world issues such as the horrors of war, the use of WMDs, the impact of war on society, blind faith, and imperialism; to name a few. It does this while telling a very compelling, if convoluted, story about the camaraderie of the cadets and dealing with the heavy burdens placed on them by the various powers of the world. Without spoiling anything else, I like it a lot and am glad that this approach to Final Fantasy has been taken.
This game is incredibly gritty for a Final Fantasy game, demonstrating the horrors of war at every opportunity. In fact, one of the first things you will notice when purchasing this game is that it gets an M rating from the the ESRB which I believe would make it the first M rating for any Final Fantasy game. Why does it get an M rating? Well, you'll find out very fast that this game has a lot of blood. The opening cutscene starts with a guy stumbling in the street trying to keep his guts from falling out and encounters enemies. But he then gets saved by his trusty chocobo whose beautiful golden feathers are spotted red from blood. Yeah, never thought you would see that in a Final Fantasy game did ya?
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| Poor chocobo gets shot shortly after |
Moving along, the combat mechanics are excellent. They're not the greatest but they are very good nonetheless. Animations are all fluid and polished while a lot of fun. There are a total of 14 students in Class Zero. 12 are the original students named after playing cards (2-9, Jack, Queen, King, Ace) and two more, Machina and Rem, are added after the first level. In a typical mission, you can have three cadets in combat at once while the other 11 stay in the reserve unit to take the place of any cadet that falls in combat. Of the three cadets in combat, you control one at a time in a very action oriented kind of gameplay. You can run, dodge, attack, and use special moves depending on what abilities you have equipped to your character. However, you can't jump which can get annoying in some situations.
The character customization is one of the areas where this game really shines. Each of the 14 playable characters are unique from one another in combat style and weapon type usage so there is definitely a character in this game that you can have fun using in combat. Because each character has a different fighting class, they also have different special attacks that you can unlock using AP which you obtain by earning experience points and leveling up. At any one time, a single character can have 2 moves equipped. The way you allocate these slots it completely up to you. You can have 2 special moves, 1 special move and a magic attack, or 2 magic attacks (if that character has the dual-cast perk). Like other RPGs, magic consumes MP. Special moves consume another bar that I don't know the name of that refills whenever you strike enemies with your regular attack. Each character also has 2 equipment slots and a support spell slot where you can equip a cure spell, protect spell, etc, or a block which doesn't consume MP.
Now, if this seems like a lot to take in. It kind of is. Inventory and character management can get overwhelming when trying to constantly optimize 14 characters all at the same time. But it does keep things fresh and interesting constantly dealing with different characters instead of the same few characters over and over.
Now, you might think that this game is pretty easy if you have three people in your party and eleven in reserve if you die. Well, you couldn't be more wrong because you will die, a lot. Most levels are difficult to get through without at least one casualty which means you have to be tactful along with skilled at dodging to survive. Even if you are a much higher level than the enemy you are versing, there are some enemies that have moves that kill you in one hit; most bosses have a move that they frequently use that is an automatic kill. Also, there is a status ailment in this game called "killsight" that will allow any enemy to kill you in one hit with any attack. So you can see how shit becomes tense.
In one of the earlier levels in the game, you will gain access to eidolons (also called summons in other FF games) to help you out in tight spots. They are player controlled and incredibly powerful so they're incredibly satisfying and, of course, fun to use for the minute or so they are available before they disappear. The trade off is that you have to kill yourself to summon an eidolon. Yup, that's right. This is the only FF game where summoning requires human sacrifice. This is certainly an aspect I could see a lot of evangelists having a problem with if they weren't scared away by the blood and violence already. In games like FFVIII, you can basically spam summons without any repercussion other than watching an excessively long cutscene. However, this game really makes you consider the consequences of using an eidolon since you have a limited number of cadets that can die before you lose. On the plus side, you should be able to figure out how to exploit Rem's "Undying Wish" ability rather quickly. It doesn't cast Reraise on you for long but it's enough time for you to summon an eidolon. When your eidolon vanishes or dies, then Rem will revive and you can repeat the process to keep summoning. It's probably not in your best interest to exploit this too much though because each time Rem dies, it adds a casualty to the mission report which means lower grade, which means worse items and less money awarded. Also, you won't level up any of your characters this way which will screw you in the end because the final dungeon doesn't let you summon any eidolons at all.
Speaking of which, the final dungeon in this game is incredibly inspired. Definitely one of my favorite final dungeons and definitely one of my favorite endings to any video game. I won't spoil it but I really enjoyed the ending to this game.
The character customization is one of the areas where this game really shines. Each of the 14 playable characters are unique from one another in combat style and weapon type usage so there is definitely a character in this game that you can have fun using in combat. Because each character has a different fighting class, they also have different special attacks that you can unlock using AP which you obtain by earning experience points and leveling up. At any one time, a single character can have 2 moves equipped. The way you allocate these slots it completely up to you. You can have 2 special moves, 1 special move and a magic attack, or 2 magic attacks (if that character has the dual-cast perk). Like other RPGs, magic consumes MP. Special moves consume another bar that I don't know the name of that refills whenever you strike enemies with your regular attack. Each character also has 2 equipment slots and a support spell slot where you can equip a cure spell, protect spell, etc, or a block which doesn't consume MP.
Now, if this seems like a lot to take in. It kind of is. Inventory and character management can get overwhelming when trying to constantly optimize 14 characters all at the same time. But it does keep things fresh and interesting constantly dealing with different characters instead of the same few characters over and over.
Now, you might think that this game is pretty easy if you have three people in your party and eleven in reserve if you die. Well, you couldn't be more wrong because you will die, a lot. Most levels are difficult to get through without at least one casualty which means you have to be tactful along with skilled at dodging to survive. Even if you are a much higher level than the enemy you are versing, there are some enemies that have moves that kill you in one hit; most bosses have a move that they frequently use that is an automatic kill. Also, there is a status ailment in this game called "killsight" that will allow any enemy to kill you in one hit with any attack. So you can see how shit becomes tense.
In one of the earlier levels in the game, you will gain access to eidolons (also called summons in other FF games) to help you out in tight spots. They are player controlled and incredibly powerful so they're incredibly satisfying and, of course, fun to use for the minute or so they are available before they disappear. The trade off is that you have to kill yourself to summon an eidolon. Yup, that's right. This is the only FF game where summoning requires human sacrifice. This is certainly an aspect I could see a lot of evangelists having a problem with if they weren't scared away by the blood and violence already. In games like FFVIII, you can basically spam summons without any repercussion other than watching an excessively long cutscene. However, this game really makes you consider the consequences of using an eidolon since you have a limited number of cadets that can die before you lose. On the plus side, you should be able to figure out how to exploit Rem's "Undying Wish" ability rather quickly. It doesn't cast Reraise on you for long but it's enough time for you to summon an eidolon. When your eidolon vanishes or dies, then Rem will revive and you can repeat the process to keep summoning. It's probably not in your best interest to exploit this too much though because each time Rem dies, it adds a casualty to the mission report which means lower grade, which means worse items and less money awarded. Also, you won't level up any of your characters this way which will screw you in the end because the final dungeon doesn't let you summon any eidolons at all.
Speaking of which, the final dungeon in this game is incredibly inspired. Definitely one of my favorite final dungeons and definitely one of my favorite endings to any video game. I won't spoil it but I really enjoyed the ending to this game.
Some of the optional levels are called regional campaign missions and pretty effectively mix action gameplay and RTS together. Basically, these levels involve The Dominion trying to capture multiple cities at once so you fight and direct troops from the world map view which is a pretty cool touch to an already awesome game. These levels are a lot of fun but I definitely feel like they could have done a little more regarding difficulty as it is never hard to figure out what you're supposed to do to beat the level. Also, I beat every single one of these levels without using anything other than the Blaze unit type. They should throw situations at you where you basically have to use the other unit types. But yeah, pretty cool to see something like this in a FF game. It reminded me a lot of the game Brutal Legend for those of you who have played that.
To wrap things up, some other things that this game does well is world map exploration. Since it was originally done on the PSP, the world map is dialed back quite a bit. However, it's done in the same style as FFVII, FFVIII, and FFIX so it was very nostalgic exploring a world map like this and I found myself enjoying it quite a bit. This game also has a ton of replay value. On the second playthrough, you'll be able to complete dungeons and levels that you were previously not high enough of a level to complete. Also, on the second playthrough, each main mission will have an alternate mission that you can complete instead that will give you a more complete picture of the story. Basically, this game beckons you to play it a second time, giving you a lot of value for your dollar. Also, it comes with the FFXV demo. What did I think of that? It was really good actually. If the actual FFXV plays anything like the demo, we're in for one hell of a game.
So, that was Final Fantasy Type-0 HD. I really recommend this game to anyone who is a Final Fantasy fan and would really push others to give it a try as well since it effectively breaks the boundaries of traditional RPGs and gives you a truly unique and fun experience. I'm already on my third playthrough and I'm still enjoying it as much as when I picked it up. So maybe you will too.
To wrap things up, some other things that this game does well is world map exploration. Since it was originally done on the PSP, the world map is dialed back quite a bit. However, it's done in the same style as FFVII, FFVIII, and FFIX so it was very nostalgic exploring a world map like this and I found myself enjoying it quite a bit. This game also has a ton of replay value. On the second playthrough, you'll be able to complete dungeons and levels that you were previously not high enough of a level to complete. Also, on the second playthrough, each main mission will have an alternate mission that you can complete instead that will give you a more complete picture of the story. Basically, this game beckons you to play it a second time, giving you a lot of value for your dollar. Also, it comes with the FFXV demo. What did I think of that? It was really good actually. If the actual FFXV plays anything like the demo, we're in for one hell of a game.
So, that was Final Fantasy Type-0 HD. I really recommend this game to anyone who is a Final Fantasy fan and would really push others to give it a try as well since it effectively breaks the boundaries of traditional RPGs and gives you a truly unique and fun experience. I'm already on my third playthrough and I'm still enjoying it as much as when I picked it up. So maybe you will too.
Cover Image: http://www.back2gaming.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/04/20150126205608ff_type-0_hd_box_art.jpg
Memory Issue image: In-game screenshot taken by me
Memory Issue image: In-game screenshot taken by me
Chocobo Image: In-game screenshot taken by me
Pros and Cons: Rocket League
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| I'm not a pro or anything so I'm gonna take this opportunity to celebrate |
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| Ugh. So satisfying |
Basic Information:
Developer: Psyonix
Genre: Sports
Platform: PlayStation 4, PC
Release Date: Jul 7, 2015
What You'll Love:
- Soccer with cars that can jump, flip, and have jet engines on the back
- Hilariously awkward gameplay, especially with novice players
- Rules and objectives are simple and to the point
- Controls are simple to pickup and play
- Detailed car editor
- No option to change game length (one period of five minutes per match)
- Inability to change quick messages (the defaults are fine though)
- AI teammates often leave goals wide open for no reason or score on themselves
- Servers were down about half of the time at launch
- Cannot search ranked and unranked matches at the same time (I don't care about my stats, I just want to PLAY!!!)
- Both camera options can be frustrating since they follow the car so close
- Matchmaking can take a painfully long amount of time
- In-game lag can be horrid
- ATV Offroad Fury 4 (Ice Hockey mini game)
Pros and Cons: Muse - Drones
Basic Information:
Record Label: Warner Bros.
Genre: Alternative
Release Date: June 5, 2015
What You'll Love:
What You'll Have Mixed or No Feelings About:
Record Label: Warner Bros.
Genre: Alternative
Release Date: June 5, 2015
What You'll Love:
- Guitar work on "Reapers" will remind old fans of Absolution tracks
- Some well-written and beautifully sung harmonies throughout
- Interesting synth counter-melodies
- "Revolt" has an incredibly catchy pop-rock chorus
- "The Globalist" is incredibly inspired, well-written, well-performed, etc.
- Awesome cover art
- "Dead Inside" is a less interesting version of recent Muse hits like "Panic Station" and "Resistance"
- "The Handler" sounds like it could fit in on Showbiz but a little slower than it should be; mundane vocals
- "Drones" is a decent showcase of Matt's singing ability and a decent sendoff to a sub-par album
- Lyrics are rather hit or miss throughout the whole album.
- More guitar driven than previous few albums but riffs tend to sound assembly line manufactured.
- It's better than 2nd Law, but that's not saying much
- "Psycho" has the worst lyrics this band have ever produced put on top of a boring blues-rock riff.
- Very little of this album sounds like the metal and emo inspired beginnings of the band, which was what was advertised in interviews prior to the album's release.
- Excessive use of falsetto. Anti-climactic parts are emphasized for no reason and make you laugh when you hear them.
- Many of the five minute songs on this album overstay their welcome after the first two
- This album could have been a great if the rest of it came close to "The Globalist." Too bad...
- Rage Against the Machine (guitar riffs)
- General techno (synth lines)
- Michael Jackson (falsetto)
Muse - Drones
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| That's actually a pretty cool concept |
What's different about this time though is that the goal was to revert to one of the previous butterflies (we're still using this metaphor?). Did they succeed? Well, yes and no. It's kind of like they used the same mother as the past but let some kind of Michael Jackson/Techno DJ father get involved.
That sounds like it could be interesting, right? Yeah, you would think. But, when it comes down to it, this album is just boring. The biggest snooze fest that we've had from Muse so far. Just about every song feels phoned in. It's like they sat down in the studio and realized that they didn't have any new ideas so they came up with (or possibly stole) some Rage Against the Machine guitar riffs, had Matt do some random falsetto stuff, and called it a day. Just about every song feels like this.
Now, for Muse fans, this isn't necessarily bad. If Muse can do what Muse does best, then they should do it. However, even when compared to previous songs, it's just not as good. Everything seems to lack excitement, passion, and inspiration.
A good example of this would be "The Handler." This song has a decent hard rock riff (but mostly unmemorable) with pacing that would fit in on Muse's debut album Showbiz. However, the tempo is a touch slow and Matt Bellamy's vocals are toned down for no good reason. "Dead Inside" will remind you of "Panic Station" (which I hated) but it's not even as good as "Panic Station" because it just drags on for the longest 4:22 you ever heard with poor transitions and boring instrumentals.
The worst song on the album is "Psycho" which has, by far, the worst lyrics I have ever heard in a Muse song and is probably a top contender for worst lyrics in an alternative song this year. It's bad, I mean, really bad. When the emphasized part of the chorus is "Your ass is mine," I can't help but to be reminded of some even worse lyrical content revolved around female behinds.
But I digress. "Psycho" isn't bad exclusively for it's lyrics; it's also bad instrumentally. If you want to talk about how this album is phoned in, this song sounds more phoned in than the rest. Just try to imagine the simplest, most overused, blues riff that you've ever heard and you can't come up with one as boring and as cliche as the riff in "Psycho." And if you thought "Dead Inside" dragged on, "Psycho" infests itself for a whole 5:16, three minutes more than it probably should. It suffers from the same problem as "Madness" from the previous album. Repeat, Repeat, Repeat, Repeat, Repeat, Repeat, Repeat, Repeat, Repeat, Repeat, Repeat, Repeat, Repeat, Repeat, Repeat, Repeat, Repeat, Repeat, Repeat, Repeat, Repeat, Repeat, Repeat, Repeat, Repeat, Repeat, Repeat, Repeat, Repeat, Repeat, Repeat, Repeat, Repeat, Repeat, Repeat, Repeat, Repeat, Repeat, Repeat, Repeat, Repeat, Repeat...for all eternity or until 5:16 is up. But beware, as you get closer to the 5:16 mark, time may slow down and your sanity may lessen.
Moving on, one of the most annoying things that happens throughout this album is the obnoxious use of falsetto. Being a Muse fan, I'm no stranger to falsetto and think that Matt is very good at it. However, this album just over uses it. Frequently, Matt will sing a one note falsetto in the middle of a verse for seemingly no reason. Falsetto works best at climactic parts in a song whether it is right before a chorus, at the end of a chorus, or at the climax in the bridge where it's time to show your stuff, so to speak. But more than a few times during this album Matt will sing a one note falsetto right in the middle of a line in the verse. It sounds so out of place that you would swear that Matt's voice was actually cracking during the take and they left it in. It's dumb; I don't like it; I don't get it; It's annoying as shit.
The album does have some good qualities. Throughout the album, you will hear some pretty awesome synth lines which really put the cherry on top. However, if you're putting the cherry on top of a pile of boring old grits, it's probably not going to do much. The same goes for the harmonies. Matt does an excellent job throughout the album layering his voice two, three, sometimes four times over with different harmony parts which turn out beautifully.
If you like pop-rock, Muse stretches their bounds with the song "Revolt" which has an incredibly catchy 4 chord pop chorus. Why this song wasn't a single over "Psycho" is beyond me.
By far, the best part of this album is the song "The Globalist." It's interesting because this particular song is what a Muse fan would have hoped that this album would have been like throughout. "The Globalist" is a ten minute opus combining various movements involving western music, a slow part that will remind fans of "Sing for Absolution," harsh and powerful hard-rock guitar work that will give you a thrashing like "Stockholm Syndrome" did, piano work that reminds you of the brilliance of "Butterflies and Hurricanes" and "United States of Eurasia." The choir and orchestral accompaniment is just perfect. The vocals are beautifully sung. The drums transition in and out of each section masterfully. You can feel the inspiration and emotion at every turn in this song. It lives up to its lyrical content in every way where the protagonist of the album gets vengeance by using his new found authority to unleash nuclear annihilation against the country that sent drones to kill his family. It's a very emotional and conflicted end to a decent idea for a concept album.
Too bad the rest of the album didn't live up.
Drones sounds mostly like a b-sides album. From the outset, it sounds like songs that couldn't make the cut on the last few albums and only get worse as you explore them further. It's lackluster, uninteresting, but mostly, it just exists and doesn't really do much else other than disappoint Muse fans.
Except for "The Globalist" check that out RIGHT NOW!!! It got taken down from YouTube for copyright reasons (probably) but here's a link where you can listen to it.
http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x2suxy4
Cover image: http://dis.resized.images.s3.amazonaws.com/540x540/99902.jpeg
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