How to be a Socially Awkward Dweeb Around the Opposite Sex

So, I said a few posts ago that I should do some posts every now and then that's not related to music or video games.  So here it is!

I was inspired to do this post because of something that happened earlier today.  I was walking south on Normal road in DeKalb heading to the Psychology/Computer Science building.  There were a lot of people walking north on the sidewalk.  In fact, I may have been the only one heading south.  I really am the true pioneer.  And I'm telling you all of this because it's not only relevant, but very important information to understanding this story...yeah...

Anyways, I'm walking and there's this pretty girl walking the other way.  I notice that she's eyeing me from a decent distance.  Of course, since I'm very socially comfortable around women, I get somewhat uneasy that there's a beautiful brunette looking at me without a disgusted look on her face.

A quick tidbit to clear this up.  I don't really get afraid or nervous of anything.  I never panic for important exams.  Even ones that will make or break my grade.  I rarely freak out, even the time that I had to juke out of the way of a car to avoid getting hit.  Really the only exception to the rule is heights.  I have trouble walking to the edge of a cliff without feeling uneasy.

The main exception to this rule though is that I cannot handle social interaction with beautiful women.  So, this is why I feel uneasy that a beautiful girl is looking at me this way.  I'll probably explain later why I think that this is a struggle for me.  But for the sake of this post, this is what you need to know.

Back to the story Mason.  You don't even have ADD but you get sidetracked more than a three year old in a toy store.  Sheesh.

So, there I was, this girl is ever sooner approaching and she gets within speaking distance and compliments me on my shirt.  Well, for the record, the shirt I happened to be wearing today was the shirt with the album art from My Chemical Romance's first album.  I found this interesting that she would compliment me on this shirt because she didn't look punk, emo, scene, or hipster.  She looked like, more or less, a typical kind of girl.  I think she was wearing a t-shirt and jeans -

Ahem....um....Mason, please get back to the story.
Sorry, um, where was I?  Oh yeah, she complimented me on my shirt.  Well, this is the good part of the story.  Also, I think that this sums up my ability to socialize with females on the most awkward and messed-up level possible.  But yeah, when she complimented me on my shirt, you will never believe my instinctive response.  Even I could not believe the response out of my mouth.  I'm really just a fuck-up when it comes to girls....My god.... I mean, what the hell am I doing?

Oh wait, I forgot to tell you what I said.

But the words that came out of my mouth were, "Thanks, ......man."  I mean, what the hell was I thinking?  Not only did I call her "man" but I also hesitated before saying it like I had thought it through first and then decided to call her "man."  Of course, I didn't do this on purpose it just kind of came out... after about a second of silence between the Thanks and Man.  Also, the problem with waiting that long to say man comes off as that I am trying to emphasize calling her man.  So, I made a typically bad line even worse by the pacing that I used between words.  I couldn't even make this shit up.  I'm really horrible.  I need serious therapy!

It's like when a pretty girl is within a social situation I'm involved with, the logical processes in my brain just completely shutdown and let the madhouse take over.

So, now it's time to learn from my successes at being a Socially Awkward Dweeb Around the Opposite Sex so you can learn how to be one too!  Let me give you some tips on how to completely creep-out, weird-out, or unpleasantly surprise the beautiful girl you find yourself in a social situation with.


1.)  Be me (Or Willosaurus)

Willosaurus is a serious competitor with me for worst with girls.  If you don't know him, don't ask...


2.)  Make sure that you fiddle with your hands and crack your knuckles constantly while she talks

Hurray!  Nervous Habits.  And seriously, she will find the constant popping and crackling of your joints very, very attractive.


3.)  Don't answer any phone calls or texts from females

They love it.  I swear.


4.)  Hide in your bedroom and avoid social interaction

The best way to make yourself look like a social dweeb is to admit defeat and hide in your filthy, cramped, fortress and play Final Fantasy VII for the fifth time through.  About the only way you can impress her more is by calling her a man (hahaha...yeah...)


5.)  If you have a cold, don't blow your nose unless if it's at the table in a restaurant (like Chili's) and she's right in the middle of eating her sour cream and onion soup.  Otherwise, let the snot run down your face until it's seeping back into your mouth and it's thick enough that you can't swish it in-between your teeth.

Well, that was oddly specific...


6.)  If you're at a bonfire, make sure that you bring fireworks and nonchalantly throw them into the pit without warning anyone.  Then continue to do it saying that it's not a big deal.

Also add in that you've been hit in the face with said fireworks and that it's not a big deal because you're ugly as fuck anyways.


7.)  A great way to avoid social contact is to have your headphones on and pretending that you can't hear what anyone's saying...even if you can actually hear everything.

You have no way of proving I did this.  I will NOT plead guilty!


8.)  Take a knife and etch a gory billboard into your arm about how ugly and pathetic you think you are.

This way, you don't even have to say anything to fully inform a female about how alone and miserable you truly are.


9.)  Track down a girl on Facebook that you met and talked to for fifteen minutes with only the knowledge of her first name.  Then ask her out via messaging.

I'm a pro with the search bar on facebook.  XD


10.)  Ignore a girl that you sit next to in class every single day until the end of the semester when you decide to ask her out.

I hope you're taking notes!


11.)  Wait until the week before your Senior Prom to feel a sense of longing and desperately ask quiet girls in your math and science classes if they would go with you.
So, I was thinking, ya know, prom's coming up and, well, if you weren't going with anyone, I was wondering if you would go with me?

"Sorry, I'm going with a group of friends instead."

(Yup, Mason, you're going to die alone.  hehehe)


12.)  Make sure that everyone around you knows how discontent you are with your appearance and social awkwardness.

Writing about it on the internet is a great way to get this information out to a large volume of people.  Then it's a downward spiral from there.  You will be in a constant loop of socially awkward events with the girls that you fancy the most.




These tips are a great way to end up in the back of the movie theater with your favorite blow-up doll watching The Notebook.  I hope you value these notes because they are a huge part of how I have become to be the gender specific social fuck-up that I am today.  It takes great skill and finesse to truly pull off these maneuvers.

I am one of the truly gifted in this dying and unrecognized art.