9/12/2016 to approximately 9/21/2016 (I wrote this over the course of a week and a half or so)
Huh. I literally haven't posted anything in a year. That's interesting...
Huh. I literally haven't posted anything in a year. That's interesting...
Anyways, I am writing today to try and figure out some of my thoughts yet again. Because, who's more mixed up than me? Honestly...
Since my last post, I've had a girlfriend, broke up with said girlfriend, and am now single all over again. But things are kinda different than they were a year ago. First off, I'm employed now and have been employed for nearly a year at a job putting that Bachelor's degree to use. So, that's been very good. But, honestly, that hasn't had much impact on my state of mind.
I'll try not to jump around too much; emphasis on try because for how confusing my thoughts are right now, I will have a very tough time keeping all of my thoughts straight.
So I should probably start back with what was essentially my first girlfriend experience. Long story short, I wasn't really meeting women, and I had wanted to date for quite some time. Partly because I wanted to know what it was like but also because I wanted to have some relationship experience under my belt before getting too old. I turned to the online dating site ok cupid for awhile, but I actually met someone who was one of my friend's coworkers. We didn't really talk at that point in time but I came across her profile on ok cupid and decided to start talking to her because she was cute and seemed nice when I met her.
And really, things went well for awhile. About three months or so were pretty great. But things got pretty ugly in the second half. I mean like, she would yell at me over trivial problems, get mad at my friends over trivial things... really just get mad in general. I mean like, there was the time she was mad at me for a whole day because I was hesitant to take her shoes off for her (yeah, I was actually going to do it). Oh! And that other time she got mad at me because I didn't give her a back massage without her asking. And that time she got mad at me because I made a "face" when she said she was going to the movies with her guy friends (I was honestly fine with it. I just thought she was messing with me like she always does). Basically, that was the last straw and I told her that we don't work well together and that she needs to find a guy that suits her better.
I digress though. This post is not about my ex-girlfriend. I just figured this would be important background information for this post. To try and understand better the state of mind I'm in. Yada Yada Yada...
So, that catches you up to last Saturday. And last Saturday, I was doing quite well. I had been broken up with my ex for about two months to this point and had been handling everything pretty well. I was more or less back to my old self. Like, I was having fun and doing the things I like to do and just being a happy clam. I was really content and happy with the single life. No regrets about breaking up with my ex and no inclination to find someone new. I knew logically in my head that being single is how I ought to be. I like hanging with my friends and spending time alone (which was being lost during the relationship). Things really couldn't be better.
Of course, whenever someone says "Things couldn't be better," that's when you know things go south pretty quickly. Like, my state of mind went from being relatively stable to a waterfall of doubts that Saturday night.
One of the things I definitely didn't doubt and still don't doubt is the decision to break up with my ex-girlfriend. The joy was gone in the relationship and everyone involved was better off. No doubts there. However, I started to doubt whether I would be better off single or not.
Now, the exact moment that I started to really doubt this is hard to determine just because I had so many thoughts in my head. Like, I couldn't really keep straight how I was really feeling just because I was so conflicted. But, I can tell you what caused me to feel this way. Why I'm so lost and confused now. And maybe someone reading this can give me some valuable input. But if you don't and just enjoy reading what I have to say, that's fine too.
The meat of this story starts at Penny Road Pub (which I have written about many times before). I was at Penny Road Pub in order to attend Intzapalooza (which I have also written about before). Intzapalooza was very unique this year compared to past years due to the fact that it was not only at a real music venue but that it also had a ton of bands I had never seen before. So just about everyone there I had never met before. And it was kinda cool to be at a local show with a bunch of strangers.
Anyways, I was sitting at one of the high tops watching the first acoustic act when a group of three girls came down the stairs and came to a stop. One of the girls leans towards the other girl and starts talking while looking in my direction. In my head, like I usually do, I doubt the fact that any girl is looking at me in particular. I assume she's looking at something or someone else behind me. So I really don't think much of it. And yes, despite actually getting a girlfriend (finally), I still seriously doubt that anyone else could actually like me. Which sounds stupid but at this point, I feel like someone that no one wants to date. Like someone who is a lesser choice. Like someone who is unattractive.
But then, she starts walking in my direction. Me being the idiot that I am, I assume that she is walking past to talk to someone behind me. But her path doesn't deviate to either side of me. She's still coming straight at me. And me being the idiot that I am, I assume that she is going to run me over in order to talk to someone behind me.
But she stops to my surprise. So I look directly at her instead of out of my peripheral. And when I look at her she has this beautiful smile like someone who just won the lottery or something. She was just radiant. Her smile seemed like it encompassed all of the happiness in the world. It could very well have been the most beautiful smile I have ever seen.
"I like your shirt!" she exclaims at me. At this point, I'm completely dumbfounded. Like, the neural network in my head feels like a gridlocked traffic jam. I couldn't even tell half of the thoughts that were running around in my head. On what to do or say, it was beyond my control. And frequently, when a pretty girl interacts with me unexpectedly, I turn into a completely cold person. It's like the complete opposite of all the activity in my head. Since I couldn't get a grip on what was happening, I can only force out one word.
"Thanks."
Which actually isn't so bad yet. But I imagine I sounded unenthused with the whole situation because my voice goes into more of a monotone than it already is when I get scared like this. There's no doubt that all the panic that goes on in my head and my cold exterior is all a result of fear...
At this point you might be wondering what the shirt I'm wearing is like. Well, it's just a t-shirt. Nothing very fancy, just a t-shirt. But it is a band t-shirt and the art on the t-shirt is from the band Smashing Pumpkins and is the album cover Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness. So now that you know this you can imagine what this shirt looks like:
I can't remember exactly what she says after that because my head is just muddy with all the panic going on in my head. She goes on to tell me that she has a tattoo of the woman on the album cover and proceeds to roll up her hoodie sleeve to show me a black and white tattoo of the woman on the inner half of her left bicep.
I thought it was actually pretty damn awesome that she had a Smashing Pumpkins tattoo. But through all the craziness in my head, I can only muster a, "Cool," and "Damn," as she showed her tattoo to me. And like I said before, I imagine that I sounded super monotone and unenthused about it even though it wasn't what I had actually thought of the tattoo.
So, at this point, I'm doing pretty poorly. This girl has come up to me, complimented my shirt, shown me one of her tattoos, and I couldn't appear to be more uninterested. Like, it's really just bad. But we haven't even gotten to the worst part. After she showed me her tattoo, we shared an awkward silence. It was probably only about five seconds but it felt like an eternity as I was digging through my head trying to find what to say. But I couldn't find the words to reflect my enthusiasm for her bad ass tattoo because of all of the fear and all of noise in my head. I literally couldn't get a single word out.
All the while, she's waiting for me to say something. It was on me to say something. I should have said something. Anything... Anything just to keep her talking to me.
But I said nothing. I must have been a real letdown. Maybe I even offended her by not commenting on her tattoo. Or asking where she got the tattoo. Asking how long she's had the tattoo. Asking what other tattoos she has. What other bands does she listen to? Has she seen a Smashing Pumpkins show before? What is her favorite Smashing Pumpkins song? What is her favorite song on Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness album? What other concerts has she been to?
I literally could have asked a million questions. But my fear suppressed them all... I was terrible.
After the longest awkward silence in history, she gave me her five star smile again and said, "Well, that was really it," or something like that, and walked away.
My friend poked fun at me a bit. Asking me who she was, and what she was talking to me about. When I told him she complimented me on my shirt, he was like, "oh she probably likes you."
And I guess that's the thing too. If she compliments me just because I have a shirt of a band that she likes, it doesn't necessarily mean that she's interested in me. I definitely don't want to just assume a girl is interested in me that way; especially if she's a stranger. I definitely don't want to be weird.
But then again, sometimes you gotta take a chance. And that is something that I definitely didn't realize at the time. My other friend found out about her commenting me on my shirt too and said that I should have gone for it. That she seemed like someone that could be a good fit for me. But who knows if you don't try, right?
But that night, I was perfectly fine still. I was content with being single, hanging with my friends and watching bands play. It's just like I had been for the past two months.
I usually realize the ramifications of my idiocy right after I screw up, especially if it involves interactions with women. But my feelings at the time really delayed that response. I was really fine with it the whole night. It wasn't until right before I went to bed that I had all my doubts rush at me at once...
But anyways, looking back in retrospect, the story of that night doesn't end there. Not at all. There's one detail that I kind of left out. Really a whole batch of details.
I found out later on when the band Oceans and Oceans came on that she was in the band Oceans and Oceans. Oceans and Oceans was my favorite set of the night and I would love to see them again. But, during their set, I could not tear my gaze away from the girl with the Smashing Pumpkins tattoo. She looked extraordinary under the lights. She was enjoying herself and couldn't stop smiling. I could feel the joy just emitting from her.
During the set my one friend was egging me on saying that we both play bass and that she's laid back like I am and that we would make a good fit. But I kept writing it off because I didn't realize it at the time.
After the show was over and I was home, I realized all of the mistakes I made. Regardless if she was interested in me or not, I should have tried to interact with her more. To just say something. To overcome my fears...
I could tell from meeting her and watching her play that she is someone special. I don't even know anything about her other than the few things I could gather from that night. I feel kind of like a weirdo for being so infatuated with someone that I don't know anything about. But I haven't been able to get her out of my mind for about a week and a half now. I haven't crushed on someone this much probably since high school; maybe even never...
If I ever get lucky enough to actually talk to her again and she doesn't hate my guts, I'll make sure I can find the words to say. If I get the chance to talk to her again, hopefully she remembers me. If she doesn't, then I would really be a weirdo. But that's a chance I have to take.
Like I said, before this I was pretty content with being single. Ever since meeting her, I've been tearing my insides apart thinking about her. I don't know if I ever met someone who could do that to me, especially in such a small amount of time. I'm really just a wreck right now. If I ever get to see her again, I hope I can gather myself together enough to be a normal social being.
I would do anything just to see that smile again...
9/26/2016
My irrational feelings about the girl with the Smashing Pumpkins tattoo haven't wavered at all. I feel really dumb and naïve for feeling this way about someone that I know basically nothing about, but I can't stop. In a way, I really hate myself because of it, I think because it's not a good feeling for me to let my emotional guard down or to let my feelings about any girl run my life like this. ...Ok, maybe that's a bit of an exaggeration. But I do think about her a lot; especially considering she's just a stranger. But most of me doesn't seem to care because she really could be a great fit for me. I have this gut feeling that she is. Even if I think that gut feelings are not very reliable, I really believe it could be right this time. I just hope that she finds I'm a good fit for her; or at least close enough where she would consider talking to me. We will have to see...
Since writing the last passage above, Riot Fest weekend happened (which was now two weekends ago), and while I was at Riot Fest, I really didn't want to talk about the girl with the Smashing Pumpkins tattoo. I think mostly because I don't like feeling vulnerable (which admitting my feelings makes me feel vulnerable) but also I just really wanted to let out a lot of the other anguish and frustrations I've felt lately in the pit. Unfortunately, while waiting for Jimmy Eat World to play, the topic of discussion with my friends basically caused me to blurt out the thoughts and feelings I've had centered around the girl with the Smashing Pumpkins tattoo. They had no clue up to this point that I was running in circles in my head thinking about her. I didn't say anything to them up until then.
Not one thing...
So, this probably caught them quite a bit off-guard (if they were really invested in my crushes in the first place lol). My best friend CJ who hosted Intzapalooza three weekends ago and booked Oceans and Oceans to play there decided to message one of the band members about the girl with the Smashing Pumpkins tattoo and found out she was single (which confirms one way or another a significant question in my head that I've had about her). He also found out that they will be playing another show this upcoming Saturday. So three weekends after meeting her, I will get my chance to talk to her again.
Naturally, I'm super worried about this. At this point, I'm not even sure if it's a better thing that she remembers me or not. I think that starting things off by withholding information though could get super messy and, just in general, be a shitty thing to do. So regardless of if she remembers me or not, I will mention that I know about her tattoo and tell her how awesome I think it is (assuming that I make it this far in the conversation anyways, maybe that's not a safe assumption to make...).
I'm debating whether I should wear my Smashing Pumpkins shirt again or not. It might just remind her of how stupid I was the first time so maybe that's not a great idea. Or maybe I should wear the shirt again and apologize like hell about the way I acted before. Maybe these miniscule things really don't matter in the long run whether she wants to give me a chance or not...
What I know I need to do is have confidence when I talk. If I don't, the same thing will happen again and it will definitely be game over. Working myself up is something I'm going to have to do on my own this time as I will be at this concert by myself. So this isn't going to be easy. But really, nothing is.
And I think that if I just be myself (well, the normal version of myself, not the nervous wreck I was the first time), ultimately she will decide whether I am a person she wants to be around or not. And that is all I can really ask for.
9/26/2016 (Part II)
The question is now, do I post this? This is some pretty deep stuff for me. I usually don't talk about this stuff let alone post it on the internet for everyone to see. But I have to be more open and okay with myself in order to exude the confidence that my friends think I should have. This could be an important step in learning to be okay with myself.
I think I'm gonna post this.
Yeah, I'm gonna post this.
I'm gonna click the publish button now.
9/26/2016
My irrational feelings about the girl with the Smashing Pumpkins tattoo haven't wavered at all. I feel really dumb and naïve for feeling this way about someone that I know basically nothing about, but I can't stop. In a way, I really hate myself because of it, I think because it's not a good feeling for me to let my emotional guard down or to let my feelings about any girl run my life like this. ...Ok, maybe that's a bit of an exaggeration. But I do think about her a lot; especially considering she's just a stranger. But most of me doesn't seem to care because she really could be a great fit for me. I have this gut feeling that she is. Even if I think that gut feelings are not very reliable, I really believe it could be right this time. I just hope that she finds I'm a good fit for her; or at least close enough where she would consider talking to me. We will have to see...
Since writing the last passage above, Riot Fest weekend happened (which was now two weekends ago), and while I was at Riot Fest, I really didn't want to talk about the girl with the Smashing Pumpkins tattoo. I think mostly because I don't like feeling vulnerable (which admitting my feelings makes me feel vulnerable) but also I just really wanted to let out a lot of the other anguish and frustrations I've felt lately in the pit. Unfortunately, while waiting for Jimmy Eat World to play, the topic of discussion with my friends basically caused me to blurt out the thoughts and feelings I've had centered around the girl with the Smashing Pumpkins tattoo. They had no clue up to this point that I was running in circles in my head thinking about her. I didn't say anything to them up until then.
Not one thing...
So, this probably caught them quite a bit off-guard (if they were really invested in my crushes in the first place lol). My best friend CJ who hosted Intzapalooza three weekends ago and booked Oceans and Oceans to play there decided to message one of the band members about the girl with the Smashing Pumpkins tattoo and found out she was single (which confirms one way or another a significant question in my head that I've had about her). He also found out that they will be playing another show this upcoming Saturday. So three weekends after meeting her, I will get my chance to talk to her again.
Naturally, I'm super worried about this. At this point, I'm not even sure if it's a better thing that she remembers me or not. I think that starting things off by withholding information though could get super messy and, just in general, be a shitty thing to do. So regardless of if she remembers me or not, I will mention that I know about her tattoo and tell her how awesome I think it is (assuming that I make it this far in the conversation anyways, maybe that's not a safe assumption to make...).
I'm debating whether I should wear my Smashing Pumpkins shirt again or not. It might just remind her of how stupid I was the first time so maybe that's not a great idea. Or maybe I should wear the shirt again and apologize like hell about the way I acted before. Maybe these miniscule things really don't matter in the long run whether she wants to give me a chance or not...
What I know I need to do is have confidence when I talk. If I don't, the same thing will happen again and it will definitely be game over. Working myself up is something I'm going to have to do on my own this time as I will be at this concert by myself. So this isn't going to be easy. But really, nothing is.
And I think that if I just be myself (well, the normal version of myself, not the nervous wreck I was the first time), ultimately she will decide whether I am a person she wants to be around or not. And that is all I can really ask for.
9/26/2016 (Part II)
The question is now, do I post this? This is some pretty deep stuff for me. I usually don't talk about this stuff let alone post it on the internet for everyone to see. But I have to be more open and okay with myself in order to exude the confidence that my friends think I should have. This could be an important step in learning to be okay with myself.
I think I'm gonna post this.
Yeah, I'm gonna post this.
I'm gonna click the publish button now.
10/4/2016
So, I went to the Oceans and Oceans show last Saturday because I wanted to talk to The Girl with the Smashing Pumpkins Tattoo. Well, honestly I probably would have gone either way because Oceans and Oceans is really good but also The Usuals and The Brokedowns played so it was just a good show to go to in general.
But anyways, I really wanted to talk to her but I decided to wait until after Oceans and Oceans set to talk to her since I could compliment her about her set and just have more time to talk to her in general.
But...
But I lost my chance because the whole band left in the middle of the next band's set. I was going to go find her after that set since I would know for sure that she wouldn't be busy packing her stuff still.
But they were all gone.
The only thing left of Oceans and Oceans was a pile of split EPs they had recorded with Home Burial; just sitting on a table in the back. I took one even though I already downloaded the EP just because I like CDs.
Anyways, I lost my chance and it's been eating me up since. That night, I had a strange dream where I got home from work and The Girl With the Smashing Pumpkins Tattoo was waiting for me in my backyard. I went out to confront her and said, "Hey," only for her to respond with "Ready to fight?" with a scowl on her face. While I was still in bewilderment for what she had asked, she takes the first swing at me and I barely duck out of the way. And from that point on, it wasn't even close. I tried to fight back but her moves were inhuman. She was able to block the few attacks I had perfectly as she gave me a beat down. Her last move she performed a hip throw and pummeled me while I was on the ground. And then she walked away with some other guy that wasn't there before the fight without a single word.
It seemed like a strange dream to have but like I said, it is tearing me up inside. I still hope that I get my chance to talk to her again. I still feel like a naïve idiot for being so interested in her since I still don't know much of anything about her. I still feel embarrassed to admit all of this but more of me doesn't care.
Just anything to talk to her. Just anything for her to give me a chance.
10/25/2016
I'm not used to getting second chances... or third chances for that matter. My third chance was at Nightmare on Chicago Street this past Saturday. Now granted, this third chance was the worst of my chances at talking to The Girl with the Smashing Pumpkins Tattoo; as you will see in a minute.
Nightmare on Chicago Street is a Halloween themed festival hosted in Elgin, Illinois every year. The aesthetic is pretty cool since they close down a portion of downtown Elgin for the fest and turn it into a zombie apocalypse. There are wrecked cars, mulch in the streets, boarded up windows, and actors who pretend to be zombies. This year, there was even a tank at one of the intersections.
One of the things that Nightmare on Chicago Street does every year is put on musical performances. They set up three different stages where bands perform. One of the stages, early on, had a performance by the band Home Burial, a band that you will recall as recording a split EP with Oceans and Oceans; the band that The Girl with the Smashing Pumpkins Tattoo is the bass player for.
I third-wheeled with my friend CJ and his girlfriend Chloe (which by now, third-wheeling is not unusual for me). But yeah, I had been wanting to go to Nightmare on Chicago Street for quite a few years since it had been so long since I had gone (I think I went the first or second year they had it)... But also, Home Burial is a pretty cool band so I wanted to see them... But also, I was hoping to get a chance to talk to The Girl with the Smashing Pumpkins Tattoo.
Home Burial played and I actually hadn't spotted her at all until towards the end of the set. It was the last song of the set. For the last song, a small mosh pit had formed at the foot of the stage. And I saw her in there and actually ended up giving her a shove in the back because she came out of nowhere when I was trying to get back into the pit. Apparently at some point though, she fell down and hit her head on the street. I saw her getting helped around by the guitar player from Oceans and Oceans for a little bit.
But she seemed okay after that. About ten minutes after the set was over, I spotted her again chatting with some of her friends. But it was quite a distance away and I would have had to excuse myself and then try to get her attention in the middle of their conversation. Needless to say, it wasn't a great opportunity to talk to her.
Later on in the night, CJ, Chloe, and I ran into the guitar player from Home Burial who also was hanging out with two or three other guys and The Girl with the Smashing Pumpkins Tattoo. This wasn't a great scenario for me either as not only was it a relatively large group, but also the group split into two conversational groups and that left her in one half and CJ, Chloe, the guitar player from Home Burial, and me talking in the other half.
I couldn't help but to eye her from our half of the group. She had that same smile again; the one that drives me crazy. And it's like her hair is the perfect proportion between wavy and straight. Her eyes are narrow like mine but the bit you can see of them are lively and bright. And she always wears this dark red/brown lipstick; I guess I'm not really sure which, but the shade complements her hair perfectly.
After awhile, eventually The Girl with the Smashing Pumpkins Tattoo said, "Let's go that way," and her portion of the group agreed. So the guitar player from Home Burial got dragged off into their direction and their group was slowly walking away. CJ asked me if we should tag along with them. Inside I was shouting, "YES! I WANT HER TO KNOW I EXIST!" but all I could say out loud was, "It doesn't matter to me."
Because I always fucking do that. My whole life, I've covered up how I actually feel about things in order to avoid having people worry about me or to avoid creating unnecessary trouble. I hate asking for help and I hate being dependent on others, but it's probably why I'm such a mess in the first place!
I take back what I said about not having much of an opportunity to talk to her. I could have had an opportunity to talk to her if I just spoke up about tagging along with their group. Why am I like this? Why am I wired to not express my emotions? Everyone seems to think I'm indifferent to everything. Some people may even think I feel nothing at all. But it's not true at all. Maybe I'm afraid of causing trouble, maybe I'm afraid of people thinking poorly of me, or maybe I'm afraid of people thinking that I'm selfish. Or maybe all of the above. Maybe I actually am selfish and this is my way of keeping my selfishness in check. If I never ask for what I want or tell people how I feel, then I can't be selfish right? Who knows? I've been doing this for so long that I can't remember the rationale behind my behavior, if there was any rationale to begin with. Then again, the last time I expressed my emotions to anyone was my dad and he told me to stop "pretending to be a victim." I don't really know what he means by that (unless if that's his way of calling me selfish and that my feelings are invalid or wrong) but regardless, it was stupid of me to open up to my dad because I already know he doesn't give a shit anyway.
...Getting back on track, not surprisingly enough, I didn't see The Girl with the Smashing Pumpkins Tattoo for the rest of the night. And the rest of the night I had this shitty feeling. It wasn't that great of a night after that for a few different reasons. The night got considerably colder, we ran out of things to do at the fest, and the rest of the bands weren't very good. But what made it way worse was the sinking feeling I got by losing my opportunity to talk to her... again.
I've been a life-long Cubs fan and even though they clinched a World Series appearance for the first time since 1945 that night, I felt like the most defeated person on the planet.
Like the batter that always strikes out.
Watching the pitches go by one, two, three, yer out!
My friend told me that if I'm so nervous around her, maybe she's not a good fit. But the thing is, I'm not nervous, but very afraid of rejection. If I get rejected, I don't know if I can handle it this time. This crush has just been such an intense crush that I'm super hopeful that things work out. And if they don't, well, I'll be crushed. And I can't help but to feel that way.
But I can't go on like this either. I need to talk to her and see how things go. Not knowing is almost worse than being rejected because the feeling is indefinite until you know for sure. Getting rejected will be a lot of negative emotions at once, but it won't last forever. So...
I need to swing the bat. And I need to swing sooner than later.
If I can get a base hit and have her want to keep talking to me, I would be the happiest guy in the world...
10/25/2016
I'm not used to getting second chances... or third chances for that matter. My third chance was at Nightmare on Chicago Street this past Saturday. Now granted, this third chance was the worst of my chances at talking to The Girl with the Smashing Pumpkins Tattoo; as you will see in a minute.
Nightmare on Chicago Street is a Halloween themed festival hosted in Elgin, Illinois every year. The aesthetic is pretty cool since they close down a portion of downtown Elgin for the fest and turn it into a zombie apocalypse. There are wrecked cars, mulch in the streets, boarded up windows, and actors who pretend to be zombies. This year, there was even a tank at one of the intersections.
One of the things that Nightmare on Chicago Street does every year is put on musical performances. They set up three different stages where bands perform. One of the stages, early on, had a performance by the band Home Burial, a band that you will recall as recording a split EP with Oceans and Oceans; the band that The Girl with the Smashing Pumpkins Tattoo is the bass player for.
I third-wheeled with my friend CJ and his girlfriend Chloe (which by now, third-wheeling is not unusual for me). But yeah, I had been wanting to go to Nightmare on Chicago Street for quite a few years since it had been so long since I had gone (I think I went the first or second year they had it)... But also, Home Burial is a pretty cool band so I wanted to see them... But also, I was hoping to get a chance to talk to The Girl with the Smashing Pumpkins Tattoo.
Home Burial played and I actually hadn't spotted her at all until towards the end of the set. It was the last song of the set. For the last song, a small mosh pit had formed at the foot of the stage. And I saw her in there and actually ended up giving her a shove in the back because she came out of nowhere when I was trying to get back into the pit. Apparently at some point though, she fell down and hit her head on the street. I saw her getting helped around by the guitar player from Oceans and Oceans for a little bit.
But she seemed okay after that. About ten minutes after the set was over, I spotted her again chatting with some of her friends. But it was quite a distance away and I would have had to excuse myself and then try to get her attention in the middle of their conversation. Needless to say, it wasn't a great opportunity to talk to her.
Later on in the night, CJ, Chloe, and I ran into the guitar player from Home Burial who also was hanging out with two or three other guys and The Girl with the Smashing Pumpkins Tattoo. This wasn't a great scenario for me either as not only was it a relatively large group, but also the group split into two conversational groups and that left her in one half and CJ, Chloe, the guitar player from Home Burial, and me talking in the other half.
I couldn't help but to eye her from our half of the group. She had that same smile again; the one that drives me crazy. And it's like her hair is the perfect proportion between wavy and straight. Her eyes are narrow like mine but the bit you can see of them are lively and bright. And she always wears this dark red/brown lipstick; I guess I'm not really sure which, but the shade complements her hair perfectly.
After awhile, eventually The Girl with the Smashing Pumpkins Tattoo said, "Let's go that way," and her portion of the group agreed. So the guitar player from Home Burial got dragged off into their direction and their group was slowly walking away. CJ asked me if we should tag along with them. Inside I was shouting, "YES! I WANT HER TO KNOW I EXIST!" but all I could say out loud was, "It doesn't matter to me."
Because I always fucking do that. My whole life, I've covered up how I actually feel about things in order to avoid having people worry about me or to avoid creating unnecessary trouble. I hate asking for help and I hate being dependent on others, but it's probably why I'm such a mess in the first place!
I take back what I said about not having much of an opportunity to talk to her. I could have had an opportunity to talk to her if I just spoke up about tagging along with their group. Why am I like this? Why am I wired to not express my emotions? Everyone seems to think I'm indifferent to everything. Some people may even think I feel nothing at all. But it's not true at all. Maybe I'm afraid of causing trouble, maybe I'm afraid of people thinking poorly of me, or maybe I'm afraid of people thinking that I'm selfish. Or maybe all of the above. Maybe I actually am selfish and this is my way of keeping my selfishness in check. If I never ask for what I want or tell people how I feel, then I can't be selfish right? Who knows? I've been doing this for so long that I can't remember the rationale behind my behavior, if there was any rationale to begin with. Then again, the last time I expressed my emotions to anyone was my dad and he told me to stop "pretending to be a victim." I don't really know what he means by that (unless if that's his way of calling me selfish and that my feelings are invalid or wrong) but regardless, it was stupid of me to open up to my dad because I already know he doesn't give a shit anyway.
...Getting back on track, not surprisingly enough, I didn't see The Girl with the Smashing Pumpkins Tattoo for the rest of the night. And the rest of the night I had this shitty feeling. It wasn't that great of a night after that for a few different reasons. The night got considerably colder, we ran out of things to do at the fest, and the rest of the bands weren't very good. But what made it way worse was the sinking feeling I got by losing my opportunity to talk to her... again.
I've been a life-long Cubs fan and even though they clinched a World Series appearance for the first time since 1945 that night, I felt like the most defeated person on the planet.
Like the batter that always strikes out.
Watching the pitches go by one, two, three, yer out!
My friend told me that if I'm so nervous around her, maybe she's not a good fit. But the thing is, I'm not nervous, but very afraid of rejection. If I get rejected, I don't know if I can handle it this time. This crush has just been such an intense crush that I'm super hopeful that things work out. And if they don't, well, I'll be crushed. And I can't help but to feel that way.
But I can't go on like this either. I need to talk to her and see how things go. Not knowing is almost worse than being rejected because the feeling is indefinite until you know for sure. Getting rejected will be a lot of negative emotions at once, but it won't last forever. So...
I need to swing the bat. And I need to swing sooner than later.
If I can get a base hit and have her want to keep talking to me, I would be the happiest guy in the world...
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