I write this in not the greatest state of mind, but I think it's honest. And I think that being honest with myself for the first time since high school may not be something that I'm ready to handle, but it is something that I probably need.
As far as the title of this post, there isn't much of a story there. It's over. Done. The same thing happens that always happens. And that's that nothing happens. Why does nothing happen? Well, it's because my social self does nothing but stumbles, falls, and never really fully gets up. This past weekend her band played again. And this past weekend I couldn't find a way to talk to her again. I doubt it will ever happen. That I actually talk to her.
I suck. And I hate myself.
They say that history repeats itself and I haven't been able to be a competent social being since the time I was born. There are plenty of theories floating around in my mind for why this would be but it doesn't really matter now. All that matters is that I'm like this. And I feel hopeless. I probably am hopeless.
Not only could I not talk to The Girl with The Smashing Pumpkins Tattoo but when I approached the singer and drummer of her band to tell them how much I like their band, I was super awkward then too. I'm just super awkward with every person I try to talk to. And it sucks. I suck.
I've been running away from my feelings for so long that I didn't know I was so sad still. I had been an optimist for so long that I didn't realize I was still being a optimist and that my vision was clouded from reality.
I've got to be one of the worst social beings in existence. Very few times have I been able to make a connection with someone on a basic level, let alone a deep level. I can't even comprehend simple social situations. And when I try to stay in a social situation, I clearly overstay my welcome. The person I'm trying to socialize with gets uneasy and wants out. And I can tell. I'm not that dumb. But I don't know how to keep their interest in me. I'm just another guy really.
But at the same time, I'm one of the most bizarre people ever. My interests span so many horizons that I feel like I can't relate to anyone. How often do you come across someone who is incredibly in touch with their logical AND creative brains? Almost never. I've never really fit in with the engineering students when I was in college because I was too artsy. And it drives me crazy when engineers talk about how the liberal arts degrees are a waste of time! They're not (but that's an argument for a different day)! But I don't fit in with artists either because my other interests aren't something they can relate to. Things like physics or science.
And oh god, no one I know gives a fuck about professional sports. Yeah, that's the cherry on top. Being a sports nerd like me is something that all my artsy and engineering peers will always find unappealing. I always try to keep that part of me away from people.
I guess when it comes down to it, I feel like I don't fit in anywhere. I mean, there's a whole world out there. And I realize that. But no one out there seems to quite understand what it's like to be me. My mix of interests and personalities makes me the mutt of humans. I feel like a garbage collector that doesn't ever get emptied. And a lot of the time I feel like I'm not worth anyone's time.
And maybe it's true that I'm not worth anyone's time but I just don't know how to cope with this yet. I feel sad. Sadder than I've felt since high school. And I think this is good because I'm not running away anymore. But at the same time, I don't know how to solve my problems. I've never known how to solve my problems which is why they persist.
I used to just believe that my problems were skin deep. Not so good looking face, short/stocky stature, bullshit for hair, dark narrow eyes, etc etc... But my personality is shit too. It's just bizarre. People tend to stick with what they know. And when they see me stumbling through conversation, they don't know what they're looking at. I feel like garbage...
My problems become exponentially worse as I try to consider how it affects my chances at getting a girlfriend. I mean, that's more of a commitment than just hanging out with someone and being their friend. No wonder I get avoided like the plague.
If you're looking for an explanation as to why my last girlfriend dated me, you don't have to look far. She had some bad times growing up and she just wanted a guy that wasn't going to abuse or use her. That's about the only thing I can get right so she decided to date me. And we lasted for awhile. About 6 months, in fact. But I think that she got to the point that she couldn't put up with my personality any longer. She grew very irritable with everything that I did and everything that I didn't do. I put her through hell essentially. And when I realized this, I prolonged it, hoping that the relationship would turn around. But her pain only got worse. So I eventually had no choice but to cut it off. Which was really saddening but she's much better off this way and I think she's happier now than she was our whole relationship (which is one happy ending in the story I suppose).
The point of all of this is, well, I kind of drew the conclusion that I'm really just bad boyfriend material. Like, the worst probably. Everyone I know would be a better boyfriend than me, and it shows too. Most of my friends are dating somebody (other than a few that may be going through the same issues that I am, just slightly different). I feel everyone just connects better than I do. How am I supposed to connect if I'm not like anyone else?
There's the problem.
And that's why I can't date anyone. At this point, I'm about 90% certain that I'll never find someone who can actually be happy with me for being me (let alone finding that "special someone" so-to-speak). This thought really depresses me as just about everyone has told me that out of all of the billions of people in the world, someone is meant for you. Or, at the very least, someone who can put up with your shit. But I'm worthless.
And ever since this past weekend when I realized this, I've basically been on the verge of tears 24/7. Nothing feels good and everything seems so very dark. If I'm stuck in the dark, I suppose I'll sit down awhile in my lightless void. And start to fully absorb this loneliness that I've been feeling.
Sometimes I think I'm better off dead. Which I hate to say, but if I can't connect with anyone, everything I do seems pointless. The whole point of the music I write is to maybe connect with someone. I feel like I'm constantly reaching out from my dark void, blindly grasping until someone decides to reach back to me. But no one ever does. I have no choice but to be a loner. I doubt anyone has ever felt as lonely at a party as me. And it's amazing how little I've improved myself since high school. And how people still see me as the same person that they don't find interest in. Especially women. I know every woman is different but, they all see me the same I think. They see me as this guy that has nothing special to offer and other things that they don't find interesting at all. Oh god, I could only imagine how bad things would get if I ever decided to try and talk statistics with someone! But even my more mainstream interests don't interest anyone.
I'm a complete outcast. And it makes me feel a little better to finally admit this. Though, it makes absolutely nothing better. I'm always on the outside looking in. That awkward kid who can't get in the conversation. The conversation circle shifts whenever I try to enter. And I'm left with nothing to say and a brisk wind against my face, before I lose sight of everyone and am left sitting all alone again.
Like I was in high school, I feel a resentment towards everyone who has their significant others and can make conversation. I feel angry like I just got my most precious things stolen from me. But at the same time, I understand why they wouldn't talk to me. I don't appeal to them.
I hate writing in terms of "me and them" but it's the only way that makes sense. And I hate writing this way because it makes me more depressed than I was before. But it's the truth. And it's time that I start facing the truth.
I'll probably die alone, just like I had always hypothesized in high school. And I hate that my high school self was correct about everything. I'm starting to think I was smarter in high school than I have been since then; being all hopelessly optimistic and everything.
I'm still coming to terms with this but maybe one day I can accept the fact that I will probably never have a girlfriend. Not one that likes me for me anyways. I could always take advantage of girls that are desperate for nice guys like my last girlfriend, but that's not the right thing to do. I really just wish things were different. That I could be different. But I don't know how to change or conform. I don't know how to be important to someone. Or to even get The Girl with The Smashing Pumpkins Tattoo to notice me or talk to me again. And I'm too stupid to even stop crushing on her. I'm a mess.
And if I know one thing for sure, it's that no one wants to date a mess; Let alone a guy who not only like artsy music but also likes sports, science and technology, physics, follows politics closely, plays video games, enjoys nature, enjoys driving cars, and enjoys teenage soap operas. God I'm screwed up. How is anyone not supposed to hate at least one of those things about me let alone half of them?
I hate myself and I suck. I just wish I could be the perfect guy for The Girl with the Smashing Pumpkins Tattoo. My gut instinct still tells me that she's someone that I would like a lot. But, the more important question, whether I'm the kind of guy for her, may never be answered.
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