Will I Ever Be Good Enough To Date?

"I tried my best."

It's something that losers say.

It's something I say all the time.

Am I a loser?

Well, it's kind of funny.  If you were to ask my friends, they would probably say something like:

"Mason is so cool!"

"You should see him when he plays.  It's like a different person!"

"He's really smart!"

"Wow, I can't believe he owns a house!"

"He's a a pretty good looking guy, even."

"How does he not have a girlfriend?"

The truth is, the so-called "things" that I have going for me don't seem to matter.  It's like one of those things that seem like a great idea in theory but in reality couldn't be any worse.

No one really wants to date me.  Well, I guess that's not 100% true.  Only Siths speak in absolutes.  But really hardly anyone does.  And I found a couple of those people but I just couldn't be physically attracted to those people.  And the thing is is that I really wanted to make it work.  But when push came to shove, I just couldn't get myself to like them romantically.

It sucks.

It sucks because I know exactly how it feels.  Just about every woman I ever liked in my life never reciprocated those feelings.  And maybe to them I could have even been someone that they wanted to like but couldn't.  It really sucks.  I hate myself because I couldn't like those two girls physically.  I just couldn't.

And if you're wondering, no I'm not gay.  Though, I kinda wish I was.  Gay guys seem to love me for some reason.

But straight women, not so much.  Only ones that I wasn't physically attracted to.

I did have one girlfriend that I was very physically attracted to though.  But at the core, she hated me even if she didn't realize yet.  She was very mad at me like all the time and eventually I broke it off with her.  I hope she's happier with someone else one day.

Ugh, anyways, if this seems very stream of consciousness, it's because it is.  I'm just doing this in one shot.  So please bear with all of the jumping around.

So yeah, back to the original topic, no one actually wants to date me.  It's weird because there are women who think I'm cool, think I have attributes that would be desirable in a boyfriend.  But, it seems that none of them would ever be interested in dating me.

Am I just not interesting enough?

Am I not cool enough?

Am I not special enough?

Am I not tall enough?

I just don't get it.  I feel I've done everything I possibly could have done to improve myself.  I even lost 25 lbs since last year.  That may not sound like a lot but keep in mind that I was already a small guy to begin with.  I was pretty much starving myself everyday and working out my body into oblivion.  I would say my caloric intake during a 6 month span last year was averaging 800 calories a day along with a workout routine that involved doing, on average, 450 push-ups, 450 sit-ups, and 250 lunges a day.  Eventually I had to stop doing lunges though because it was destroying my knees.  It got to the point where I couldn't do even one lunge because it hurt my knees too much.

^^If that doesn't sound healthy, it's because it wasn't.  I felt light headed just about everyday.  I would experience dizzy spells regularly, especially if I stood up quickly.  I wouldn't recommend doing this.  I still do the push-ups and sit-ups but only every other day so that my muscles can heal.

I guess the point of all that is that I was trying to do anything to make myself even the slightest bit more attractive.  Especially at 5' 5", I know I'm already working shorthanded since I know that women don't typically like short guys but also that every bit of fat that I have is more noticeable so I knew I would have to work and suffer that much more to get my body to a shape that was more desirable.  There's still some days when I look in the mirror and think that I'm still too fat so perhaps I have an eating disorder?  I don't think so though.  I don't do the dizzy thing anymore.  lol

If you're reading this and you think I'm being particularly hard on myself, there's a good reason for that.  I just don't seem good enough for anyone.  My friends list these pros about me all the time but, when it comes down to it, it's not enough for someone to actually reciprocate feelings I have for them.

Most recently, I revealed to my long time friend that I've liked his girlfriend's sister for a long time.  We're talking years.  No one really had any idea and I've just masked it this whole time because she's always had a boyfriend the whole time that I've know her, until somewhat recently.

My friend is a bit of a blabber mouth and, long story short, the whole family knows that I like this girl.  Just about everyone is a fan of the idea of the two of us dating.  On paper, I appear to be good for her and everything.  Right?

But, my friend just today, straight up asks her if she likes me which she could only respond, "I'm not looking for a relationship right now."  Which, I'm not dumb, this means that she is definitely, not even remotely, not ever ever ever, going to be interested in me romantically.

Which, with this, all I can do is put my head in my hands and wonder if all my worst fears really are true.  I'm not good enough to date.

Ever.

Which this kind of brings on a bit of a existential crisis in me because I don't even really know why I exist at this point.  I go to a job and pay bills and stuff.  But, I'm not really sure if I'm making a difference in anyone's life at all.

Or, even worse, if anyone even wants me to.

It really make me value myself as a person.  And when I have to value myself, it usually ends up being pretty low value considering that the question even came up in my head.

And, like I've said before, I've given it my all pretty much to improve myself.  Quite frankly, I'm really tired.  Like, physically and emotionally.  And I'm lost because I don't know what more I can do.

If you go on dating sites as a male who is 5' 5", you will find so many profiles that say something like "If you're not even 5' 9", don't bother."

The height changes and the end phrase changes but to me it's all the same because the girls like that never want someone 5' 5" and taller.  And you might be thinking that those are girls not worth dating anyways, but, the sentiment seems like a pretty common story.  I get weeded out frequently on an attribute I can't even control.

It fucking sucks.

I suck.

And maybe it's Darwinism at work, and I will always be the loser, as I had always feared.

My friends have always tried to convince me it would be different and that either I would get taller or that it's not a bad height.

But here we are.  I'm 26 years old and not an inch taller than I was when I was 14.  I could eat only 100 calories a day and do 1,000 push-ups and sit-ups a day and I would still just be the same, miserable, 65 inches tall.

Most people, even my close friends, always say I have a blank expression or I just don't really have a range of emotions.  But, the truth is is that I do.  I'm an incredibly fragile individual.  So fragile that I have to build this wall around me and not let anyone in.  The few times I feel like I can open the gate, my heart gets smashed to pieces and I have to close the gate and put all the pieces together again.

Like I am right now.

And, maybe that's part of the problem.  But when the girls I like don't reciprocate 100% of the time that I open up to them, it makes it that much harder to open the gate the next time.

I don't want to hurt anymore.  But being jaded sucks too.  And at 26 years old, I still got 14 year old problems that can't be solved.  I'm really nothing more than a little kid.

And honestly, I know no one will read this which is why this blog has been quite the safe space for me.

But if you're one of the few that actually read this, just leave a comment letting me know you listened.  I don't open up like this often. and to know that someone listened and empathized, would mean the world to me.