The Month of No Hope

Just give up

Even looking back now, I can't say that my Pre-Calc teacher in high school ever taught us anything.  He always used worksheets to do it.  In fact, in a parent/teacher conference, he told my friend's parents that it was, "not his job to teach them," implying that honor students were supposed to have a more hands-off approach to learning.

Well, isn't that just stupid?  And for these reasons, he had to have been the worst math teacher I ever had.

But there was one thing he taught me.  There was one thing that he said that has stuck with me.  And I'll tell you what, it is the horrifying truth.  It's a truth that no matter how hard I try to refute it, I find myself sitting in the corner exclaiming, "OH GOD, IT'S TRUE!"

February is the month of no hope.

Think about that statement for a second.  It's not just the worst month of them all.  Nope, it far surpasses that.  There is no hope in the month of February.  None at all.  Zip, zero, zilch, nil.

Valentine's Day 

What good is there about February?  Oh don't you go pulling Valentine's Day out of your arse!  I talked about Valentine's Day last year and I will bring up the same points again.  Your experience on Valentine's Day can be broken down into four categories:  male and single, male in relationship, female and single, female in relationship.  Being male or female and single on Valentine's Day sucks for obvious reasons.  It's a day to be reminded of the gaping hole in your unfulfilled social life.  Another year of having no one.  One more year of getting older and being less attractive than you were the year before.  One less year to get married and start a family (well, most people want to do this).  Anyways, you catch my drift.

Being a male with relationship status also sucks for obvious reasons.  You are expected to take time out of your day to buy cards, flowers, chocolate, presents, and whatever else she would expect.  But also, think of the extra time you have to spend with your sweetheart on Valentine's Day.  What if Valentine's Day happens to fall on bro night?  It is important to think of the costs that Valentine's Day truly summons.  It's been ruining bromances since the dawn of time!  I bet that Adam had a bro he hung out with until Eve came along and messed up everything!  And well... supposedly started the human race (besides the point).

Now, the less obvious one is being the female in a relationship on Valentine's Day.  It seems pretty great right?  Unlike being on the male end of the relationship, you aren't expected to buy any gifts, waste time, or interfere with a girl's night out (you would be surprised).  However, girls in relationships have a tendency to be disappointed anyways.  Bring her flowers?  Too unimaginative.  Surprise her at work?  Too embarrassing.  Dinner at a nice restaurant?  YOU'RE MAKING ME FAT!!! :'(

Well, maybe the only girlfriend I ever had didn't give a shit about me so maybe that's why my outlook is so bleak but regardless, most Valentine's Days the female in the relationship is going to be less than impressed no matter what you do.

The Superbowl

Moving onto other things.  "There's the Superbowl!" you might say.  The only thing is, the Superbowl has become a more than ordinary game with lame events and commercials suffocating it.  By the way, all of you that watch the game for the commercials, I will never understand.  Even though they are all new, most of them suck.  The ones that don't suck, you will probably see again at some point if you watch enough TV.  Oh and by the way, thanks Illinois for wasting tax money on a stupid-ass commercial that won't get any more people to dump money into our economy.  Thanks.

For those of you that watch the Superbowl for the halftime show, you make even less sense to me.  The Superbowl Halftime Show is always lip-synced, every time.  You might as well watch some concert footage on YouTube because (depending on the artist) that footage would have at least been live at the time it was recorded.  Not to mention that they never have an artist that suits the sport of football.  I think the last time they had a Superbowl Halftime Show that I liked was when they had Tom Petty (The Rolling Stones were good too but I can't remember who performed first).  Now that made sense because Tom Petty is about as American as they come (like the sport of football).  The Who had potential to be good but that medley thing that they did was really terrible.  And other than that, every other Superbowl Halftime Show I can think of in recent memory was some pop artist that neither I, nor football fans, care about.  Ever since the Angry Video Game Nerd mentioned it, in an ideal world, I've agreed that a metal or heavy metal band would suit the Superbowl Halftime Show the best.  There's this *I'm gonna kick the shit out of you* attitude that suits the sport well.  Not some wimpy pop artist like Madonna or Beyonce.  Give me a break.

Oh also, the NFL finally decides to play at an outdoor stadium in the north for the Superbowl but they choose The Meadowlands?  If you're going to choose a stadium for this circumstance, it has to be Lambeau Field.  It's one of the oldest, if not the oldest, NFL stadium.  Not to mention that the trophy for the Super Bowl is named "The Vince Lombardi" trophy.  Maybe there were some politics behind it but the Superbowl this past Sunday should have been in Green Bay.  Also, keep in mind that I am a Chicago Bears fan!  What is happening to the NFL?

The Weather

If you live somewhere void of blizzards, then go ahead and rub it in.  At this point, most of us on the northern hemisphere are wintered out after two and a half months of crummy weather.  The thing about February is that it is still crummy for a whole 'nother month.  Did I mention that everyone has gotten sick of the frustrating snow and demoralizing cold?  Well, guess what?  February means that there is no end of it for the forseeable future.  If you would like spring, please fill out another application in March.  Then maybe we can process your request.

President's Day

Another opportunity for your banker and government employee friends to brag about their day off for a holiday that has lost just about all of its meaning.

MLB Spring Training

First off, hardly in the month of February.  Secondly, the games don't count so the only thing good about going to see them is an excuse to escape the bad weather (and escape the month of February).

NASCAR Season Begins

This one is a mixed bag because either you love NASCAR or you hate it (this is probably dependent on where you grow up).  I'm in a very narrow audience of people that watches three or four races throughout the season and hardly keeps track of the cup standings.  But even if you think that NASCAR is fantastic, the first race of the season, The Daytona 500, is, ironically, one of the most boring races that you can watch.  Everyone just drives around in a tight pack; due to the restrictor plates that are supposed to keep everyone at "safe" speeds (because 185MPH is so much safer than 210MPH).  This also makes passing damn near impossible which really just causes a giant snooze fest.  The only thing "good" about it is that there is usually a giant crash caused by someone being too aggressive towards the end of the race.  But the rest of the race is generally uninteresting; really adding to the misery of February.

The Winter Olympics

Wait a second!  Did I find something that was not a complete disappointment in February?  Holy crap.  There's just one thing bad about The Winter Olympics:  it only comes around once every four years.  To me, this makes the other three Februaries even more miserable.  No wonder they had to make February the shortest month of the year!

Go USA!

No Hope picture is mine