How to Forget your Girlfriend's Birthday Without Getting Killed

Your girlfriend has been giving the cold shoulder in-between passing periods at school all day.  You run into her best friend and ask her what she's upset about.  Of course, based on the title of this post, you will probably guess that she will say that, "You're a dick, you know that?  You haven't even wished your girlfriend a happy birthday yet!"

Damn man, you forgot your girlfriend's birthday?  You're an asshole!  Well, don't worry, I'm sure these tried and true strategies will come and save the day!



Pleasantly Surprise her with an Extravagant Meal
Put a blindfold over her eyes and say, "Come with me."  You take her to your "extravagant" surprise and take the blindfold off when you get there.  The first thing she sees upon light hitting her eyes is the grand, luxurious brilliance of the big gulp machine at 7/11.

"Happy Birthday!" you shout.  You can tell that she is pleasantly surprised by the groan and the folding of her arms as she avoids looking at you.  Way to go!  You gave her the most memorable birthday ever!



Volunteer to do her Homework for her
"Hey babe, so, since it's your birthday today, I'll do your homework for you so you can have a girl's night out."

Response A:  "What?  You think I'm too stupid to do my own homework?"  She throws her binder in your face and storms off.

OR...

Response B:  "I see how it is!  You would rather do homework than spend a night with your girlfriend on her birthday.  Fine.  Mission Fucking Accomplished!  If you want to pawn me off onto my friends, then I will gladly leave you alone.  Have fun!  I know I will!

OR...

Response C:  "HOW ABOUT I HELP YOU FINISH YOUR HOMEWORK ON THE MALE REPRODUCTIVE SYSTEM!?"  She performs a pseudo front snap kick and hits you square in the scrotum with the top of her foot.

Yeah, you always thought it was a good thing when a girl wants to study anatomy with you.  Didn't you?



Tell her that you need to go to the gym and workout first because you need to stay fit for her.  In fact, let her know that she can come with you on your sacred man time with your buddies, pumping iron.

You grab your gym bag and start to walk out the door.
"Aren't you forgetting something?"  she slyly asks just before you open the door.
"Well, I need to fit my workout in.  It's important that Wednesdays I get my upper-body workouts done.  I'll tell you what, you can come workout with me if you want.  This way we can spend more time together."
Her face turns red as her arms tense at her sides with hands balled into fists.
"First of all, are you calling me fat?  Second of all, this is my birthday and so I will decide what I want to do.  Go ahead and jerk off with your jock friends if you want but I won't be waiting for you in order to celebrate my birthday!"

As she storms out, she lifts a 100 pound dumbbell from your gym bag with her dainty right arm and throws it at your head with more speed than Nolan Ryan.  You duck just in time but are left flabbergasted at the scene you have just witnessed.

You have no choice but to wonder out loud, "Why was there a 100 pound dumbbell in my bag?"

Last but not least...
Tell her that you forgot her birthday:

What?  Why would I do that?  Because chicks dig aloofness...man.

"Hey, didn't you forget something?" she asks grumpily.

"Well, I almost forgot to water my lawn.  I made sure to get that done before getting on the school bus this morning.  Then, I almost forgot to polish my favorite garden gnome.  You know how gnomes get when they aren't polished.  They get pretty cranky and start taking your socks."

You continue on, "Then I forgot to sweep my bed sheets.  The hedgehog needles don't come out that great just with a vacuum.  You need to do a pre-vacuum sweeping with this special brush..."

Walt Disney's:
The Gnome-Mobile

"...Oh and I did forget one other thing.  I forgot to fix the Gnome-Mobile.  The axle was draggin' a bit and I was getting horrible gas mileage.  Gnomes don't like bad gas mileage.  And they don't like smart cars either.  I'm gonna go fix that now..."

"Didn't you forget anything else?" she disappointingly asks.

"Hmmm... I don't think so.  I think that about covers all of it," you respond.

"I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU!"  she yells as tears well up in her eyes.

"WAIT!  I do remember one other thing.  I think your friend said something about it being your birthday... or something.  Is that right?" you obliviously ask.

She remains silent as she looks away from you.

"Hm... I suppose I forgot it twice then huh.  That's pretty bad.  Though, I forget my own birthday too so you shouldn't be too offended by it.  You should be reasonable," you say obliviously (again).

"I'll tell you what, would you feel better if I gave you a ride in the Gnome-Mobile?" you ask.

A grin comes to her face immediately.  A smile of great joy overcomes her tears.

"Why yes Paul."
"Yes I would."

And that's how Paul solves his relationship problems.