How to Get The Most Out of Your Thanksgiving

We're now smack dab in the middle of the time of year when holidays come at us rapid fire!  First with Halloween, then Thanksgiving after that, then the holiday season about a month after that, then New Year's a few days after that.

Second up is Thanksgiving:  the one day of year when every American is highly encouraged to give thanks and dig in!  In order to get the most out of this holiday, I have some tips to share with you.


1.)  Be Thankful For All That You Don't Have

Often we give thanks to all of the people that we have in our lives:  family members, shelter, material possessions, jobs, etc.  But what we forget to do is give thanks to all of the things that we don't have and how these things make us a stronger person.  For instance,

I'm thankful that I'm short because then I can complain about not being tall.

Or...

I'm thankful that my biological father ditched me because I have been forced to be independent at a young age and not have the capacity of showing love or affection to others.

Or...

I'm thankful that I have been laid off from my job because it has forced me to learn a lot about finding a new one.

So, be sure to give thanks to all of the things that the world refrains from giving you or has taken away.  Everyone will really appreciate it.

2.)  Watch Football All Day Long

Because that's something that you haven't been able to do every Sunday for the past three months.

3.)  Stuff Your Face

It's not like someone who's living on the street needs that extra turkey leg.

4.)  Be As Sarcastic as Possible

Like what I'm doing right now.

5.)  Avoid Being the First Person to Grab a Slice of Pumpkin Pie

When the Pumpkin Pie is out of the oven and good to go, don't be the first to grab a slice.  Why?  Well, it's much more satisfying to watch someone else try to strategize and pincer that first piece out while breaking it into three different pieces.  Then you can give them shit about it and make fun of them as they try to cover up the incident.

6.)  Go To Bed Early

You don't want someone to stick the ass of the remaining turkey in your face because you, inevitably, fell asleep on the sofa or the floor.  Though, I've never had turkey ass in my face.  It could smell good.  Maybe you should set yourself up for this likely event.

7.)  Complain About the Lack of Mail Delivery.

Well, I would have gotten that Dancing Birthday Cake I ordered from Hallmark.com but there's no delivery on Thanksgiving!  I will have to wait until Friday.  What the hell...

8.)  Be THAT Guy...

At Thanksgiving Dinner, basically be the biggest douche in history.  Whenever someone tells a story, make sure that you can outdo it by telling a similar story that completely outdoes the story just told (your story is fictional but they don't have to know that).

For Example:

"Oh our vacation to the Bahamas was crazy!  There was a huge storm that they say was the worst that they had in twenty years.  I don't know if I ever want to go on vacation again.  hahaha."  your 2nd cousin says.

"Well, when I went to vacation in Hawaii, it was just gorgeous out.  There were rainbows.  LOTS of rainbows!  There were also the prettiest hula dancers you'd ever seen!  And then, to top off the whole vacation, every volcano in Hawaii all went of at the same time.  I thought the apocalypse was happening, baby!  Crazy times in Hawaii, I would do it again if I could.  That's some crazy shit!"

...

Then tell everyone that they're a horrible person if they don't help out with the dishes.

What could potentially happen...

Everyone is swarming the kitchen like a bunch of animals (or rabid turkeys) fighting over the sink.  Dishes are thrown everywhere with the continuous sound of shattering glass ringing through the house.  People are getting into fistfights over the particular dishes.  "I WANTED TO WASH THE GRAVY BOAT!" your burly cousin exclaims in a booming voice.

Your grandfather retorts, "Listen sonny, when I was your age, I had four Punji Sticks stuck into my pancreas. To this day it's still secreting enough digestive enzymes that I don't need to listen to my doctor when he says I need to take my vitamins.  You think that you can take that gravy boat away from me, huh?"

"DAMN STRAIGHT!  I TAKE HGH!"  your cousin announces.  He then sucker punches your grandfather out of his wheelchair; causing his Vietnam Veteran hat to fall off of his head and sit...silently.
There are a few, non-crazy, extended family members with their jaws hanging to the floor at the sight of the scene.  Your cousin turns his head:

"WHAT!?  I'M GIVING THANKS GOD DAMMIT!"

9.)  Piece Together the History of Your In-Laws

Example:

Your Mother In-Law:  So, my hip has been acting up lately.  I think I'm going to have to visit the doctor again.  He's been very nice about the whole thing; even though I have been visiting him a whole late lately with some pretty minor problems.

Your Father In-Law:  Yes dear, I know.  You have been seeing the doctor quite a lot.  Maybe it's something more serious than you realize.

...Later on...

Your Father In-Law:  Oh yeah, I just remembered that I have to raise the flag in the front yard.  I had it half staff for Veteran's day.

Your Mind:  Wait a second, bad hip, flag pole, frequent doctor visits.  I know what's happening here.  My mother in-law was a pole dancer.  In fact, she probably still is a pole dancer.  She probably goes to the doctor's office to give the doctor a lap dance.
Your Mind:  I've got it all figured out!

You:  Hm, I bet that your doctor has quite the stethoscope.  hahaha.

Your Mother In-Law:  um...sure?

10.)  Overstay Your Welcome

What people hosting Thanksgiving dinners don't tell their relatives is that they like guests that stay for a long time.  They put a lot of time and effort into that dinner and having everyone over just for a few hours can be a bit of a letdown.

So, bring a couple six packs, sit back and make yourself at home.  Stay a day or two!  Get obnoxious!  Don't clean up your beer bottles.  Leave your mark!  They'll love it!

Make it a week or two even.  Hell, make it a whole month!  That way you will only have to make one trip for the Thanksgiving and Christmas gatherings.



This way, you will have plenty of time to share the love this holiday season.  Make the year count.  Make it special.  Oh boy, it will be special.  That's definitely what they'll say...